Ronking round the world

Well, it's all over! Back in the UK after the best 6 month period of my young life. Greeted by smiling family members holding, bizzarely, a picture of me with a Bengal tiger. Apparently that one caused quite a kerfuffle in my Dad's office.. With a huge woman's singing voice providing accompaniment, I smoked the cigar that Mark Adams gave me upon my departure, bringing to an end my six months and signalling my safe return. Cheers Mark! Despite the change of pace/temperature, I'm really glad to be back. Bren and I went out and met up with Jamie and Mark for a good old fashioned knees up, finishing at Collide-o-scope. Sadly we got there a little late and were unable to stake our usual early claim on the stage for dancing purposes. Got the night bus home and periodically fell asleep, much to the amusement of the other passengers. ]

Collected Fi's bike from her Uni and am all set to give it a good fixing.

Now I can't really think of anything poignant to say about the past six months, so I'll just end saying that it's been fun, and really given me a perspective on life and the things I thgought were important/took for granted before. I really won't be quite the same again, and that's a really comforting thought.

That's about it from me, apart from adding a few more photographs and the odd movie, so bye bye, and I hope you've all enjoyed reading this as much as I've enjoyed doing what's contained in these billion or so words...

Well, it's our last day! Mixed emotions at the moment, as I know I'll be really glad to see everyone when i get back, but, I am indeed going to have to get back to work within about a femtosecond of returning...

The bus journey yesterday was a pretty mixed bag. The first half, spent in Cambodia, was along something that didn't even qualify as a dirt track. I think the best description of it is a "series of potholes with rocks thrown in for good measure" Added yto this, our driver was also a psycho, and Bren, who had the "privilage" of sitting in the front with hi, informed me that we were almost killed at least 4 times when the dirt track gave rise to huge bomb cratersduring suicidal overtakes..

The half time changeover at the Thai border gave rise to a much better situation. Sadly though, the ATM's were absolutely infested with begging children, grabbing everywhere they could to get some money off you. Quite sad really, but I'm hardened to it now. The bus through Thailand was a huge airconditioned behemoth, whioch whisked us along the (tarmac) roads in fine style, even dropping uis off 300 yards from the Khao Sahn road! We checked in to Chart hotel (the one we stayed in first time around) and headed straight to burger king (Bren was starving) wher Bren managed to eat his double whopper with cheese and bacon SO fast that he physically wounded himself.

We both went for a lie down (I've become a massive insomniac again and got 3 hours sleep in Siem Reap) and I came down to use the internet after my shower. We went to an Irish pub (!) and drank beer, transparent vodka and cokes and copious White Russians, all to the strainings of an average band with an excellent singer.

Finally, we went to Lava bar, where someone else had already created a dancefloor, saving us the trouble, and got our grooves on. Through doing this, we attracted a pair of pretty Thai girls, an Bren, really rather drunk at this stage (the man's become even more of a pune than me!) decided not to resist and went off with her, leaving me with the charming "Deedee". (It geniunely is more difficult NOT to get with a girl around here, as I later found out) Now, Bren doesn't remember this, but, as he was leaving, I vigerously shook my head mouthing "please don't go!!". His response was to keep a completely blank facial expression, keep eye contact with me, and slowly reverse out of the bar. Cheers Bren...

Anyway, it took me about 45 minutes to convince Deedee that she wasn't spending the night with mw, and that she was indeed getting a taxi home. With that done, I wandered into the hotel, slamming loudly against the metal shutters at the front, and went to sleep with my shirt on (slightly creased now) Bren turned up at about 9AM with 2 huge "Big gulp's" full of Sprite. Legendary. we both had a few more hours shuteye and got up at 1. Off to see Glickman, then to buy stuff from Bangkok (souvenirs, pressies etc) then we need to find a pair of scales to wigh our bags, as the ones my Dad seems to have built-in to his arms are a bit inaccesable at the moment...

See you all soon!

Back in Bangkok, which, strangely, feels like home. Angkor Wat was amazing, almost as amazing as the ambient temperature (I tanned in 5 minutes, no word of a lie) Will write all about it when I get a minute. A matter of hours until we fly home, so Bren and I are going to bow out in fine style: By getting drunk on White Russians!!

Fantastic!

Will write again soon..

Told you I would! Anyway, Angkor Wat is a huge complex approximately the size of the island of Manhattan and built about 1000 years ago. We decided to get a Tuk Tuk around it, as it is clearly quite large and we'd been warned by the (gorgeous)French girls that we needed three days. True to form, we only had one... We got to the Tuk Tuk office a little late (I insisted on having breakfast) and we trundled along to the complex. Best moment was whent he driver's hat came flying off his head, with me having to run about 100 metres to go fetch it. Our first stop was a temple called 'Angkor Thom" which is easily as impressive as any of the ruins at Ayuthaya. We wandered around there for a while, taking in the view of the place before heading back after about 30 minutes to meet the driver.

We then saw a series of ruined temples, complete with trees growing in them and vines everywhere, including one involved in the first tomb raider film. It's about the most "Indiana Jones" place I've ever been to, and I yearned for a bull whip, some Khaki fatigues and THAT hat, even though i have a disease that makes me look like a moron in any piece of headwear...

We then went to the top of a particularly high temple and sat in the breeze for about half an hour, taking in the view and appreciating the cool air (it was SO hot that i tanned in about 5 minutes, no word of a lie!)

Last stop was Anmgkor Wat itself, which is really REALLY impressive when you consider it was built a millenia ago. Some poeple compare it to the great pyramids in scale, but I think they just edge it, being perfectly aligned with the stars and all...

Anyway, it had a moat that's about a mile square a huge bridge leading to the outer wall, and then an even bigger walkway leading along the perfectly tended grass past the two libraries, and into the complex itself. It really is an awesome structure, capable of housing 8000 monks for worship. It has a huge courtyard and three soaring towers as well as a number of other chambers and shrines littered about. I'll stop trying to describe it now, as I'm just getting lost in superlatives. Suffice it to say, until I go to the pyramids next year, It's the most impressive structure the ancient world has shown me to date.

We got back to the hotel via a petrol station (I had a cornetto...) and had a look at the puppies with the Swedish/German girls (I think they're Swedish, Bren thinks they're German, but they only speak English with a miscellaneous crazy accent!) We watched a few films on TV, including an absolute shitebag of a film called "The Hunted" with Tommy Lee Jones and Benicio Del Toro (honestly guys, what WERE you thinking!!) Packed and got ready for the early rise the next day.

Unsurprisingly we were late, owing to pancakes (bane of my travelling existance, apparently) and we had to trudge to the bus office in the frankly stupid heat with our packs on. Suppose that's Jesus's way of telling me to only eat pancakes on Jiff lemon day...

As an interesting side note, two of the meals on a menu in Laos have just popped into my head. They are "Day meat, smashed stlye" And the brilliant sounding "Meat paradise" which Bren and Dave were going to order had the group not voted with it's feet and left the restaurant. Sorry guys, but it WAS built on quicksand...

In Siem Reap at the moment, after a bit of a killing fields overload. The hostel put on "The killing fields" film, which Bren and I decided to avoid by going for a bite to eat. We quickly discovered, however, that the riverside is PRETTY expensive to eat at, and instead popped to an internet cafe for an hour. We returned, safe in the knowledge that the film would be over only to find the hostel in complete powercut-induced darkness. Romantically, candles had been placed everywhere, though. After about 20 minutes, the power came back on and we were subjected to practically the full length of the film. What with us having to be up just after 5 the next day, we enjoyed a beer each and went to bed at about 10. Yes, 10.

Best moment of the evening was definitely my Fatherly intervention when a little kid started playing with a pair of scissors the size of gardening shears. It did become apparent, however, that in a country of 6 million landmines, the overly concerned parent would be rather swiftly rendered a nervous wreck...

The bus journey today wasn't too bad. It got off to a bad start when the chef refused to make me Banana pancakes that I'd been looking forward to for about 2 days. I decided to sulk and not have any breakfast. A move that soon lead to me eating dry bead with water on the coach. Brilliantly, Cambodia has very few paved roads, leading to a rather bumpy and interesting ride from Phnom Penh up hereto Siem Reap. There was also the obligatory half an hour spent stationary for no reason, and more road-based cows and roof based scooters than you'd care to shake a stick at. Favourite moment was undoubtedly at the Cambodian version of Little chef. The best delicacy I've seen by far was on offer, in the shape of fried spiders as big as the palm of your hand. The guy in front of us partook of one, and seemed to enjoy it.

Off to Angkor Wat tomorrow by Tuk Tuk for the day, which I'm looking forward to, then booze, bed and bus to Bangkok. We SHOULD be there at about 5PM, but, after recent performances and after seeing the state of Cambodias "Roads" we'll be lucky to get there at all...

I miss adjustable suspension...

Hello from Cambodia, unfortunate home of Khmer Rouge landmines and hate crimes. Bren and I went to the killing fields today at Cheoung Ek, taken there by a friendly and knowledgeable cabbie who's name escapes me. we went in and saw the famous monument, which is a tower filled with over 800 skulls of the deceased, in age order. You could actually see how some of them were killed by looking at their skulls: Some were bludgeoned, some were hacked to death with machetes, others simply shot. It was all really really saddening. What got to me most was when one of the girls also at the museum touched one of the skulls. I don't know about you, but that seems a little bit disrespectful. That is, after all, the skull of a man who was murdered with a machete. It kind of cheapens the whole monument that you can go inside and touch them, making it no more than a tourist attraction, when it should be a monument in memory of the millions, yes millions, who died.

Bren and I then took a silent contemplative journey to the ex-school and infamous prison, S21, where "Enemies" of the Khmer rouge, actually randomly chosen civillians, were tortured and executed in their thousands. Now I have a reasonably strong constitution and have indeed seen death first hand, but nothing could really prepare me for the images that I saw there. Men, Women, even children tortured to death in a futile attempt to release secrets that they had no hope of knowing. Tortures like drowning, stocks, pulling fingernails out with pliers, thumbscrews, whipping, all unimaginable to the average person. Row upon row of faces, gripped with fear and racked with the knowledge that they were soon to die. It was really rather terrible and I must say a tear welled up in my eye when I saw the pictures of the youngest victims, barely ten years old.

Despite all the horrific imagery and the inevitable sadness it has caused, I'm really gad that I went. No visit to Cambodia can be complete without homage to this important yet shocking chapter in its history. I think one guy summed it up when he scrawled on the wall of one of the cells "The pain of man's inhumanity towards man is unbearable"

Last film we watched in Vietnam was, appropriately, good morning Vietnam, which was even better than I remembered. We preceeded it with finding nemo, which Bren actually enjoyed too!

Well, we got up in time for our bus, which was a pleasingly air conditioned leviathan. We shared it with an excitsble Irish guy, a trio of yanks and a smattering of British girls. We reached the border afetr a fairly pleasant drive, and disembarked to be faced with the crappest border-cum building site we've seen yet. It really was shite!

Unfortunately, two of the English girls had already been into Cambodia on their single entry Visa's and we had to lend them the money in Baht. Lucky we had some spare as Cambodia has no ATM's at all!... This crazy no technology theme was coninued when we pulled up at the petrol station, which was little more than a jerry can on a bamboo frame powered by an old man and gravity. quite the picture!! The journey onwards was pretty bizzarre, with unsurfaced roads, cows on the unsurfaced roads and men on scooters on the ROOF of buses on the unsurfaced road. Fantastic stuff!

We booked into the OK guesthouse, which is OK, got some food, booked a cab to tour the killing fields, met soem GORGEOUS French girls, watched 3 films including Lost in translation, whcih I put the French subtitles on for (Brownie points to be had...)

I absolutely adored the film, I'm so glad too as I've been wanting to watch it for ages and I'm glad It's lived up to my expectations. Also, I want to go to Tokyo so badly now it's unreal. Damn you Sofia Coppola!!

Off to Siem Reap tomorrow to see Angkor Wat, and then off to bangkok for jewellery detail and the flight home.

Last night was a fairly relaxed affair. bren and I ate at a Mexican restaurant, bought some DVD's and hired a DVD player for $3, as we had to be up early for the Cu Chi tour. We watched Me, Myself and Irene and "Stuck on you" both of which were excellent, and drifted off around midnight. I turned into a sleep spaz once more and woke up at 5:31, precisely 1 minute later than yesterday, causing some fatigue today. Anyway, we were driven to the tunnels in a minibus, talked through it all the way by an ex-Vietnam veteran with the SVA, called Jackie. He was very knowledgeable, and told us all about the history of the conflict as well as a nuimber of stories of his own.

Our first stop was a rubber tree plantation, recently replanted after the entire area had been defoliated by agent orange. This is the action that caused the inhabitants of Cu Chi to move underground, with some 20000 of them housed in over 250km of tunnels! The only distraction from Jackie's speech at this point were ants the size of small dogs that seemed intent on climbing up my trouser legs...

The first display was of 3 Vietnamese women, 2 were Viet Cong and one was a VC infiltrator working in the US camp. All rather interesting! We next went to some of the tunnels, with our guide's assistant demonstrating how well the entrances of the tunnels were hidden by simply appearing out of nowhere! We all had a little clamber through the tunnels, which was unbelievebly hot, pitch black and had a free bat and millipede thrown in for good measure! Brendan at this point had the misfortune of getting stuck behind "Hans" whco had joined us for this trip as well. I made the jopke that he'd been punching his way through the tunnels, whch raised a jolly good laugh. We looked at the hospital, and finally arrived at the dining room, where we ate Tapioca (a root) which wasn't half bad!

Next up was the booby trap demonstration. There were some seriously nasty traps on display involving rusty nails, bamboo shoots and Barbed spikes. The most violent of which was called the "Smashing trap" which was worse than it sounds... Jackie then showed us a vidoe made by the VC, and then the method the VC used to keep smoke from their cooking fires invisible to the helicopter pilots. all really interesting, and building up to the bit that, sadly, I was most excited about: The firing range. Bren and I indulged ourselves by squeezing some 25 rounds off, firing 10 each with an AK-47, and me firing a further 5 from a Colt .45. Quite a kick from that one! Nothing can prepare you for just how loud an AK 47 is firing a few feet away from you, it was really quite startling!

We all got together for a drink or two, boarded the bus back to the Happy Tours office and had lunch. Our Cambodian Visa's will be ready at 5, at which time we'll book our bus to Pnomh Penh which leaves on Sunday at 8:15. Tomorrow is to be our day of rest, which I'm really looking forward to!

Interesting side note on my negotiation of Vietnamese traffic. Whilst crossing the road, I skillfully negotiated my lane of traffic, before being caught in some kind of trance by two blondes in a rickshaw. After a little while, I looked to my right to see about 10 scooters bearing down on me, all of which managed to avoid hitting me as I was indeed standing perfectly still. Muppet. At least it show that the system works!

"Way to look right, sweatpatch"

An excellent day, and indeed a day of rest ws had tonight, as I've just got out of bed at 3PM!! Yesterday was pretty cool, we watched Mars Attacks and listened to some music before giving the DVD player back and heading off to get a bite to eat and have a few drinks. We ended up going on a bar crawl, which was pretty cool, and then on to a club called "Apocalypes now" which was pretty good. Until it closed at 1 that is, what a gyp!! We asked a few vietnamese girls where else was open, and they suggested a place right next to our road, which we SOMEHOW had managed to miss earlier. Brenand I and the trio of eager to please Vietnamese hopped into a cab and headed off there, with the girls making the incorrect assumption that we were going to pay for their drinks, when all we'd done is ask them where a club was! This unhderstandably pissed bren and I off, so we paid for our drinks, had a bit of a boogie and left for a restaurant as we were a little hungry after our tapioca based lunch!

We both had burgers at a place on the road, where we met a kid called Lao, who was abdolutely brilliant! I flaked at this point and went to bed, whilst Bren taught Lao "The handshake" and chatted to the two Danish girls sitting a few tables over from us, who were very preoccupied with the fact that the prince of Denmark had married some Aussie girl...

Fair play Bren, fair play!

Now THAT's more like it. Woke up in plenty of time, courtesy of a wake up call that was simply "Wake up now!" shouted down the phone in our room. Showered, had breakfast and got a (free) scooter to the office where the miniubus took Bren and I, 3 Swedish girls (splendid)a Canadian girl and some kind of german bodybuilder (henceforth known as Hans) to the War Remnants museum (formerly the "American war crime" museum. They changed the name so as not to offend American tourists.) Anyway, the museum itself was as well presented as it was poignant and shocking. The imagery, accounts and displays went from informative to shocking, all without being too over the top. There was a display of US military hardware, which I enjoyed, reeling off what was what, causing Bren to ask whether I was the tour guide... I shut up after that. We went on to the "Reunification palace" which is a structure built in the Art deco style in the 1960's, and therefore instantly disliked by me (I have a thing against art deco) We watched a film, which was ver informative, and then went upstairs to the Presidents entertainment lounge, which was the best 1970's batchelor pad I've ever seen. Well done sir!

We had lunch, and then finished the day with some shopping in Chinatown, where Bren bought a bag, and a tour of a temple and a Pagoda, which were both rather attractive and ornate buildings. The best bit about them was the lake FULL of turtles at the pagoda. Awesome!

We're off to the Cu Chi tunnels tomorrow, the 200KM network of tunnels that the Viet Cong used against the US around the city of Saigon. We get to crawl in the tunnels and generally find out what conditions were like during this terrible war. We've also got our Cambodian VISA's to look forward to, as we pick them up tomorrow at 2PM.

This city is excellent!

The most annoying single event of my life occurred today. We woke up at a reasonable hour, 9 I think, after I'd been kept awake for most of the night by a cockroach chirping in the corner of the room. Anyway, we set off for the Mausoleum, taking about 30 minutes to get to the park that we thought was the entrance. Apparently, and I've said this before, Lonely Planet maps are shite, and we'd gone far too far along the road. We backtracked, managing to find an entrance to the complex, before immediately being whistled at by a soldier (packing heat) and told to walk round. Now, after about another 20 minutes, and no less than three blocked off entrances, we arrived at the ticket office, to be told that it had closed 2 minutes ago and that we could come again tomorrow. No amount of explaining that we were flying to Saigon in 2 hours would persuade her otherwise. What a total bitch.

Anyway, we trudged back, which took a lot less time than it did the other way, and visited the STOP cafe, where we're now officially regulars (they knew what we were going to order and even how we were going to eat it!) Had a meal, walked back and were promtly asked where we'd been all morning,. We advised them not to worry as we still had a whole five minutes before our cab left... Seat of the pants again...

Anyway, packed, paid for the room and drinks and cabbed our way to the airport, which was absolutely insane as the whole "Horn not brakes" driving method is even more terrifying first hand!! We got to the airport and checked in etc without event, with the plane being a wee Airbus A310 which was quite cute. I even got a meal on the way! the craziest thing was that the plane touched down on exactly the SECOND that it should have donw, impressing Bren and I no end. Way to fly pilot guy!

Arrived in Saigon and got a cab to our hotel, which is absolutely gorgeous and 5 dollars a night with aircon, fridge and TV. Saigon itself is brilliant, we're booked on a tour of the city tomorrow (no more closed museums for us!!) and on a tour of the Cu Chi tunnels the day after (the ones the Viet Kong used against the Americans during the war) Really looking forward to both days, and indeed a nights sleep without cockroach calls!!

Here's hoping...

had a great last night in Hanoi. We stayed in watching a few films, some of which were good and some of which were bad. We left to go to the night market at about 9, with me internetting until about 9:30 before i went up to get Bren, who was watching cruel intentions! We've got a market to get to man!! Anyway, the market itself was a bit of a washout, the one in Vientiane was far busier and the Khao Sahn road was far more bustling. We had a look around and stumbled upon some kids playing football, in the middle of the road! It's clearly the donwe thing as no-one batted an eyelid. It was now that a tiny little kid ran up to Bren and I and shouted "Hello!!" in the most excited voice i've ever heard. he didn't know quite what to do when we reciprocated, but his mum came to fetch him to save him any further linguistic embarassment, smiling all the time.

We went on from here to a lovely restaurent on the banks of the lake in the centre of Hanoi. We got tables with our own personal fans (bonus!) before an army of people came in and we were forced to relinuish one of them, and move, if you'll believe that!! Anyway, two of the girls took a shine to Bren and I, and, after a protracted "She loves you", "Are you married?" and "can I have your phone number" conversation, the Spanish guy that was with them put their ice creams on our table so they had no choice but to sit witgh us. Anyway, it was certainly an experience, htye were great fun to talk to but, shockingly, Bren and I were estimated to be 28 years old... Slightly depressing don't you think!!

We went on to Funky monkeys, after exchanging email addresses, and we had a drink while I bought the T-shirt off one of the Barmaids backs. it's too funky to not have one to show off at home, so Fi, you'll have to do your best!! Got an early night as we were due up early to go to Ho Chi Minh's museum and then fly to Saigon (or Ho and Go as Bren put it) Cracking night!

Well, we're booked on a flight to London on the 22nd (midnight) arriving at London's Heathrow airport at 6:45 in the AM. Sorry Mum, Dad and Fi, beauty sleep isn't an option if you want to pick me up... On an interesting sidenote,the traffic in Hanoi is absolutely amazing. They use the horn instead of the brakes and miss each other by microns every few seconds. Being a pedestrian here is a mtter of confidence and blind faith, with Bren and i regularly walking out into swarms of scooters and miraculously emerging unscathed at the other side. The secret is, boys and girls, constant speed. Remember that! Oh, and look out for bicycles at red Traffic lights: The silent killers!!

Saw the water puppet show yesterday, which i thought was absolutely excellent, but Bren got a little bored a little way in. It's not for everyone I suppose. The pictures don't really do it justice though, as with all these things that are stage based.

Went out to a bia hoi bar, where litre steins of a rather tasty beer could be had for 10000 dong (about 40p) which are enjoyed whilst sitting on the chairs that primary school children use. They really are tiny, I think the logic is that when you get utterly drunk on cheap beer, you have less distance to fall.. Got a little tipsy on them and then headed off to a street vendor for some excellent cheap food (40p again) before heading off to Funky Monkey's and haveing a few more Tigers with Dagni, Nicky and Julie, two of the girls we'd met on the bus and one of their friends from New York State. we had a great chat and a few drinks, before Nicky and Dagni left. We walked Julie back home and then ambled our way back home, watching some god awful film with Christopher Lloyd in it,something about a dead uncle Fred. Anyway, we're offto Ho chi Minh museum, as the mausoleum is closed after 11Am, despite Nicky's insistance to the contrary... Booking a flight to Saigon today, as we have neither the time nor the inclination to spend another 8 weeks on a train/bus that may never actually arrive at it's destination...

Off DVD purchasing in a minute, after booking ourflight(for 1.5 million dong!!) On a side note, I've been walking, no strutting, around with over a million in my money belt for a day now.

Who the man? Damn right it's me...

AArgh! Blogger's all changed and I'm not fully equipped yoi deal with it! Went out in the end to a place called funky monkeys, which has the coolest T-shirts in the world, I want one!! Met up with an English guy called Mark and his vietnamese friend Son and had a few beers and a chat, followed by a Jenga fun fest. I decided to make it interesting after 4 games and said that the loser should buy the rest a shot of tequila. Unsurprisingly I bought it tumbling down and found myself spending 160000 dong on Tequilas(!)

Mark, after having made the comment that he was "A tequila man" managed to spew spectacularly when i was in the loo, cauysing much mirth for the rest of us. The Aussies also came in (saw them on their way past purely by chance) and we sat down and had a chat, agreeing to meet up with them tomorrow (today) for water puppet show and a meal/cheap beerfest. Fantastic! We then went to a club where we got vodka redbulls, boogied, and then promptly left after getting too much attention from the local MALES. Not pleasant..

Off to change our tickets from Bangkok today (with any luck) then to see various craziness before our water puppet show at 5:30. can't wait!

Chris out...

Sweet zombie Jesus! I have now recovered from what i can only conservatively describe as the worst journey of my entire life. What should have been a 22hour gruelfest turned into a 38 hour close-to-breaking-point instrument of torture! It started out innocently enough, with the bus on;ly half an hour late. Our problems started when we realised that the airconditioned bus, in fact, had a "Open the windows" airconditioning system. Not too impressive. The bus showed us the full extent of it's ,echanical merritsd by stalling 2 out of 4 times in the journey out of Vieniane (glorified village, without much glory) with the gearbox making horrific grinding noises and the driveshaft making an awful vibrating almost breaking noise. We wound our way through mountains, along stupidly narrow roads with the bus almost stalling at every hairpin, until finally it refused to go into second or any gear above 1st. We coasted across a bridge, arriving at a shrine, where the driver got out and made an offering to Buddha.

Now I'm not really a believer in this sort of thing, but the damn thing went into second first time, and all the gears above. Bloody miracle! Still sounded awful though... we made it to the border crossing where, distressingly, the bridge was closed to all traffic. We'd arrived there pretty late, about 4 AM, where I was in desperate need to lie down. I managed to find an unused Laotian farmhouse, where I got about 10 minutes sleep on top of a pile of fertiliser pills. I THINK i'm a bit taller now...

Anyway, I awoke to the sound of what seemed to be a second world war bomber descending on my head, which was in fact, a HUGE beetle, which I duly kicked out of the air and squished. Too tired for any kind of compassion, you see... I got back to sleep for a bit when, inevitably, the roosters began crowing! This was followed by about 20 chickens being released into the area, making all sorts of noiuse and, indeed, getting worryingly close to my head. It was at this time that the bus driver hooted, getting me up with a start. Time to go, apparently!

We drove down the little dirt alternative rouate into a queue for trucks, and waited for about 3 hours to be ferried over the river on ancient Vietnnam war era pontoons. Safe they weren't! Anyway, we made it over and began driving, with me managing a little bit of sleep before we got to the border, which I can only describe as an absolute shambles. It took about 2 hours to get processed, costing random dollar notes every now and then for no reason at all.

I really wasn't prepared for what I saw next. A rockslide had closed the precarious dirt road, and a JCB was being used to clear the rocks and dirt out of the way. It's final move was to effectively punch the ground to flatten it off, giving us a firm ewnough surface to drive along. Fantastic! We carried on, relatively uninterripted, with only the random music/lights being turned on to disturb/break us... It was around 6PM when we finally stopped for food. This is where the Australian couple we were with managed to order beef and noodles and rice and noodles, which was the first food Bren and I had eaten in about 36 hours!! It was really rather nice, and cost about 4 dollars. We paid with a 10 dollar note, which the waitress promptly returtned to us shaking her head,. we thought hey didn't have enough change, and so added all the bills to\gether, which came to about 6 dollars, and went to pay for it with the same note. It was now that the head watress came and said "No good!" poiniong us to the, now obviously, fake 10 \dollar note we'd been given in Vientiane. I may have sworn at this point, and I also may have declared my absolute hatred for Vientiane. Fortunately the Aussie couple came to the rescue and paid for us, so we now owe them about 50000 Dong. Sounds a lot doesn't it?!

Anyway, we got going again, only to stop for no reason 3 hours later. We got going again and pulled into a petrol station just outside of hanoi, some 14 hours late. 10 members of the bus were taken in a minibus to the town centre, and the rest of us were taken to the bus depot and made to pay for a minibus, adding to my horrendous rage no end. We finally found a guesthouse where we checked in, with me having to get on the back of a scooter to get some money from an ATM. Now I know I ride back home, but I've tried to avoid scooters here as I would hate to get some stupid injury on a 50cc when i've stayed uninjured for so long on a 600cc sportsbike! Anyway, we showered, producing the most dirt I've ever seen from my body, watched about half an hour of aa Woody Allen movis with Tiffany Amber Thiessen in (Awesome!) before falling into an amazingly needed sleep.

Woke around 5, walked abround Hanoi and saw the Jade tower in the centre of the Lake, and did a bit of shopping. We went to eat, with me having a lovely clear chicken and sweetcorn soup only to find at the bottom, what no man should ever find in his soup. Guessed what it is yet? No? Well, it was indeed the testicle of some random animal. How I didn't spew I don't know, but suffice it to say I've been feeling a little ropey all of today! Bought 3 HDCD's for 1.50 each, including the Kill Bill soundtrack. I'm so glad I bought a Harmon Kardon HDCD player!!

Bren's in bed at the moment, for a change, and I'm downstarirs, contemplating joining the Aussie's for some 20 cent a litre "Bia Hoi" (Draught home brew). I'll try to wake Bren first but if not, I'll wander into the night to try to make freinds and influence people!

Despite all this, Vietnam is excellent and I really can't wait to see it with less tired eyes.

Last day in Laos. Vientiane is without a doubt the tinyest capitol city I've ever seen! It really is a glorified village. Best place to eat is the Scandinavian bakery, the cheeseburgers are excellent. there's also a good curry house called the Taj Mahal, but that's about it! Going sightseeing today, so the tripod is definitely going to get an airing. Booked on a 6PM bus to Hanoi, which will arrive 22hours later.

Just realised that I only had one meal in the whole of yesterday. Interesting... Next post will be from Vietnam, which is rather cool. Will get to the Chu Chi tunnels in a week or so, which I'm really looking forward to, and, just maybe, I'll get to see some dolphins as well...

Today was obviously hectic, as the bus left at 8:30. Woken up at 7:15 by the sound of horrendous torrential rain, scuppering the idea of motorbikes for the third day in a row (much to Mel's joy!) We didn't get to say goodbye to Dave and Peter, I did open their door to find them all snuggled up in bed though. All together no, Ahhhhh... I was going to take a photo, but that sort of thing can indeed land a guy in jail if taken out of context...

Said bye to Ruth and Han (rude not to really...) with a cuddle and the promise of Oz information, and swayed down the Deathstairs(TM) to fetch Bren. Packed, said our byes to Mel (we'll see her back in the UK) and hopped into a Tuk Tuk which whisked us down the road/river/floodplain to the bus depot, where the bus was just about to leave. Seat of the pants....

The journey passed pretty easily, with the absolutely gorgeous Laos scenery marred only by the psychotic nature of our bus driver, who, honest to God, nearly killed us about a dozen times, and lord knows how he managed to avoid hitting those cows and water buffaloes! In Vientiane now, hungry and busting for the loo. Both were sorted out, using curry and a toilet respectively. Booking our bus to Hanoi tomorrow where we'll change our flight dates (hopefully) and recover from the 22 hour bus journey.... Looking forward to Vietnam now, as I've heard lots of good things from fellow travelling types. I'm also hoping to have my own Nam flashbacks that I can tell to everyone I meet, and hopefully wake up screaming every now and again...

Anyway, all that's left to say is that it was great to spend three excellent days with some really fun people. Han, Mel, Ruth, Russell Dave and Pete, it was great chatting/drinking/sitting uncomfortably with all of you, and I hope we get to meet up in the UK.

Goodness gracious me, will I ever learn?! The day was spent with various people sleeping off/walking off the previous nights indulgances. Spent a lot of time sitting on the balcony listening to Dave's CD player, which was absolutely excellent. I've not heard good music in a long, long time and I MAY have gotten a bit carried away. NOW I miss my CD player and have a playlist in my head of what I'll play as soon as I get back home!

Anyway, once we'd assembled most of the troops, minus Russell (Wat watching) and Bren (In bed!) we wandered off to see what Luang Prabang had by way of markets and such. We got as far as the first bar, where we sat down on a wall at the bank of the Mekong, sipping Beerlao! and watching the sunbset over the m,outans across the river. Absolutely beautiful, and one of the most "Wow" moments of the trip!

Anyway, Dave, Mel and I finished up our beers and went off to fetch Russell and Sir Sleepsalot, returning with a showered Russell and relativey refreshed Bren. We wandered off to a nice airconditioned restaurant, featuring the most elaborate toilet-based fountain ever conceived, and ordered far too much food resulting in a game of musical plates in which every dish seemed to end up near Bren. Bloater!!

An amazing conversation ensued about cartoons, including The Centurions, of which Russell had an amazing knowledge, Transformers the movie and the seven lost cotoes of gold. Amazing stuff, and one of the funniest events in ages. Dave also managed to cop the nickname "Normal Dave" whilst at the same time being gifted a nemesis in the shape of "Un-normal Dave" You had to be there, I guess, but it was seriously funny.

We headed off to a bar after dinner, ending up at a 2 for 1 cocktail establishment, were we ordered 2 cocktails each, expecting, foolishly, that one of them would be free. As you'd probably guessed, we all ended up with 4 cocktails, of which most were made entirely of, or laced with, poison. My "favourite" intolerable poison drink was the Mad dog, which was made of 3 seperate layers, a layer of scum, a layer of sand, and a layer of crap, all mixed in with Tabasco sauce. It was quite the ordeal finishing them, resulting in a few of them being left, for the sake of all that was good.

We ended up in Hive again, where Bren and I ordered white russians to wash the taste of concentrated evil from our mouths. Perter had wandered off before the cocktails, and was sitting with HyperTenseMan(TM) whom we'd met in Chang Kong a few days earlier. Not a fan...

Finished up our drinks and sauntered oiff into the nigfht, mindful of the stuopid midnight curfew. Obviouly, I then piped up with "Who wants a piggyback?" which Ruth answered with a brilliant level of enthusiasm. On yer get lov... Carried her all the way home, sadly not managing to convince her to kick anyone in the arse, which was a shame.

We all conveined to mine and Brens room, where we had another tears of laughter inducing conversation, all helped along by generous helpings of "Sprodka" Got a email adresses, which I'll now use, and a few reminders of some of the craziness that's been the norm over the past few days. Obviously I didn't sleep in my bed, Imposing once again on Ruth and Hannah. Just didn't fancy sleeping in a double bed with Bren, is all....

Fantastic! Last night was the most fun I've had in South East Asia, no word of a lie. We all checked in to our guesthouse, I showered and then it was off to a "Roadside Cafe" which was essentially some tables next to the road. The toilet was also interesting, as you had to walk through the kitchen to get to it. Upon my return, the once quiet road was now rammed with cars, driving along in a convoy for some "Lao Thai friendship rally" It was honestly a good minute before I could cross, causing Mel much amusement! We ate some nice food, washed down with a bottle of "Beerlao!" and then wandered off to find a bar to continue the night's revelry. We'd managed to meet up with a guy called Darren, whom I managed to name "Reginald.T.Dufus" as he was a bit of a Dufus, ytelling some awful jokes in the slowest voice I've ever had the misfortune of hearing. It was SO annoying!

Anyway, we headed off to a funky Londonesque bar called HIVE, where Bren and I proceeded to order a raft of White Russians which were excellent. I had to pay for one of the rounds with a 1000 Baht note, resulting in me getting change in so many Kip notes that I physically couldn't close my wallet. I wish I'd have taken a photo of the wad, as it was really rather ridiculous.

Anyway, mindful of our midnight curfew (sucks!) we wandered back to our hostel, stopping off for beer and coke to mix with Vodka. We all piled into mine and Bren's room and sat chatting and drinking, randomly sticking beerlao labels to the wall, which will doubtless impress the cleaning staff... We then headed off to the balcony as we were getting a little noisy, only to be told off for making too much noise by one of the guys in the rooms nearby!

We all piled back into our room, where Mel partook of vodka and coke. This lead to the harshest comment of the night, which was also hilarious. We were trying to figure out how to mix the Vodka and coke, coming up with the idea of pouring the coke directly into the vodka bottle. This was no good as there was clearly too much vodka for it to drinkable. At this point, Mel piped up "Why don't you pour the vodka into the coke bottle?" I then retorted, without thinking and with perfect timing: "Because the coke bottle's full of Coke, Einstein!" causing everyone to crease up with laughter.

We all retired to our respective beds, with me electing to sleep in Ruth and Hannah's bed, leaving Bren for some alone time. Quite the sleeping arrangement, only marred by the fact that apparently, I hogged the pillows. I DO like to be comfortable.

Today's been cool too, the weather's been crappy, negating the bike idea, but we all went on a "Quest for bacon" which, brilliantly, did result in bacon. The funniest bit was when Hannah and Dave made a bow and arrow out of a cocktail stick and some thread from Han's pants! It even fired an arrow, also made of a cocktail stick, with a flight and everything, a good foot. Fantastic work, and truly in the spirit of the quest!

Probably another drink-based night, with Bren and I leaving for Vientiane tomorrow on a bus. Won't be too heavy, but I'm sure it'll be great fun!

Have also been reminded of the funniest comment made by Russell two days ago. he was telling a story about how he couldn't get this girl's bra off "in the moment" and came out with the immortal line of "It must have been a safety bra" honest as you like, which was absolutely priceless. One for the memory banks, that...

The night in Chang Kong was pretty cool in the end. We went to a bar and had a beer whilst watching my copy of Kill Bill, as the bar owners copy was a bit crappy. Got back to the hotel where Bren decided to open the windows for some breeze. I heard the smash from the bathroom, and, sure enough, Bren had managed to smash one of the glass slats, causing the people in the next room to jump quite vocally!

We crossed the Laos border at some ungodly time in the morning, being ferried across to Laos by a tiny little boat, even less seaworthy than HMS Seld-m-sink in Bali. Got to the other side, where we met a few of our shipmates, and were taken by Tuk Tuk to the Jettyy, where we boarded without a doubt the most uncomfortable vehicle I've ever been on, and I've ridden a Ducati!!

Spent the journey admiring the scenery whilst becoming increasingly uncomfortable. The trip itself was really pleasant, with loads of beautiful scenery to admire and pringles to devour. It was just the crippling discomfort of tiny wooden benches that spoilt it... We met a few of the people on the boat, including Dave and Peter, two guys from Watford, and Mel and Russel, a traveling duo from London and "somewhere up North" respectively. Arrived at our destination some 7 hours later, where we were besieged by kids offering to take our rucksacks (for a price of course!) before deciding on a guesthouse using the power of random decision making. We unpacked our stuff, haggled the price down 50% and then headed to the restaurant for noodles and beer.

We ended up having whale of a time, with the aforementioned people and "Ruth and Hannah" who were both great fun, even though Ruth likes The Streets... We ended up getting uproariously drunk on BeerLao, which is actually quite tasty, and vast amounts of Sangsom (Thai Whisky) and Coke. It was at this point that Dave visitedthe vomitorium and took himself out of contention, clambering into bned for an early night.

The rest of us, urged on by me (of course) carried on, retiring to Bren and my room for more drinking in more comfortable surroundings. I ended up with peter and Russel in the girls room, with Bren and Mel occupying our room... We decided to play some kind of bizarre game in which, obviously, we had to strip... Russel left at this point, leaving Peter and I with Ruth and Hannah. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a Loas guy entered the room and plonmked himself the bed, jsut like that, simply saying "I kiss girl?" It took a few seconds to take it all in, but I managed to say that they were our girlfriends and usher him out of the door... Baffling!

Things got more drunk, ending in a game where Peter and I had to see who could remove and replace a bra in the fastest time... I managed to win, despite having no glasses on, which I was quite chuffed about! We got to sleep in the end, Oat I have no idea what time, with me being the gentleman and taking the floor. Good for the back apparently!!

Woke up feeling fantastic, as I often do after boozefests, got back into my room, packed and got downstairs. We paid our "Huge" bill (5 quid each including food....) and boarded the boat, not quite last but around there. This boat was obviously some kind of luxury boat, as the benches had been replaced by garden furniture!! I turned my chair round to ace everyone (just in time to see Mel being sick over the side!) Thisjourney was far more enjoyable, as we had our little squad of pals and stories of derring do from the night before. What made it extra cool was Dave lending me jis CD player so I could listen to "My Immortal", as I bought "Fallen" a few days ago. Yes, Gary, they are very good, and I'm sorry for calling them "Linkin park with a girl" He had loads of other cool CD's too, including Jeff Buckley, Kid A, Think Tank and the Doves. Quality!

We're now in Luang Prabang, on the banks of the Mekong, which is pretty nice. Our hostel arrangement is interesting, as I have to share a double bed with Bren (should be cosy!!) I must say that the scenery and conversation on the cruise has been the best thing I've done in ages, and, what's more, we actually got to speak to some people whom we were able to hold an actual honest-to-God conversation with! My God!

May be staying here another day as it seems a shame to leave the gang just as it's formed. May be hiring scooters tomorrow to see some waterfalls, so I'll keep you posted. Should be a LITTLE different to a 600cc sports bike!

And yes, Mum, I will be careful...

Given that Seinfeld is the funniest thing on TV, here is a petition to sign to get Columbia Tristar to speed things up a bit and release it on DVD!!

In Chiang Kong, a stones throw from the aos border, where we'll be bedding down for the night. Last night was sent watching the dull Arsenal Vs Birmingham match, and then sprinting to 7-11 hal;fway through the Man U game, as a tropical storm decided to douse the area. Lucky I spotted it brewing before we got too wet! The journey here was quite uneventful, but exceedingly hot as the other members of the bus couldn't/wouldn't open the windows, relying on the "air conditioning" which was little more than tiny fans, instead. Driving across te border tomorrow then getting a slow boat down the Mekong which I'm really looking forward to. Dinner today was a bizarre mix of a fried egg, some kind of rice with leaves and miscellaneous meat, and an entire pineapple...

We're going to figure out what we're doing in Laos in two days time, as Vientaine, the capital, is prone to the odd bomb blast and is currently under martial law. Also, Doxycycline has claimed another victim as I now feel nauseous when I wake up. I think I might be pregnant...

Here's the link for Jamie's pics from our trip to the USA for anyone interested. Will post it on yonder right hand side too for ease of use.

Have actually looked through them again and, I must say, I manage to look like quite the goon in at least half of them. My particular favourite is Incline... The camera adds, like, 10 pounds of stupid face....

Seat of the pants travelling at it's finest. After having watched Starsky and Hutch, milled arounbd the mall for a bit and done all our medical duties, we decided we'd better get top the train station. We hopped aboard a (dodgy) cab and got to the station at 6:55, with the train due to leave at 7! Note to anyone travelling by cab, if you're loading your bags into the boot, make sure one of you gets into the cab first, or if there's only one of you, open one of the passenger doors so the cab can't drive away with your precious belongings! Got tickets, got to the platform and boarded with 2 minutes to spare. Now, you may remember me mentioning that Bren had left his little black book in Ayuthaya, Well, we got to Ayuthaya a little late, with Bren having 20 minutes to get to the hostel, get his book, and then get back to the station before the last train to Chiang Mai. Well, once again, we cut it pretty fine, as I had to wait til he got back to get tiockets, just in case the train left without us! Suffice it to say, with 8 minutes left, Bren's head popped out of a Tuk Tuk. I gestured for him to look after the bags while I ran to get the tickets. We made it, with about 5 minutes to spare (again) leading Bren to say that "Planning anything makes it boring" Enough said! So, we're in Chiang Mai again, hooray! Bren managed to not sleep at all on the sleeper, again, and so i'm here on my lonesome blogging away. Somehow I manage to get sleep on these things when Bren simply can't. Bren came up with the notion that I must need rocking to sleep, which does make some kind of sense... Rather unsettlingly though, the train staff seemed to be a little too over familiar with the ol' hands, as Bren got "helped along" the train by first, the campest man i've ever met (NOT what you want to wake up to...) and then a "helpful" middle aged lady. Lucky boy...

Anyway, a word about the kids here, as they're so unbelievably happy! Last time we were here, in this very internet cafe, the daughter of the owner took a shine to Bren and ran up to him, cuddling his leg for all she was worth! They all seem so bubbly at all times, probably something to do with the weather and/or tweenies.

Anyway, I WAS planning on doing a Thai cookery course here, but, as the sleeper was over an hour late, I turned up too late for it, and so I'm undertaking an internet course instead, so to speak. Booking our river trip down the Mekong on a slow boat as the speedboats "Sometimes have accident" which isn't all that encouraging...

Can't be bothered to blog at the moment, will tidy up the last few posts in a day or two. Needless to say we took it easy, watched Jackass again, had a bit to eat and then hit the hay.

Went to the hospital today to get a prescription for Mefloquine for Bren, but the doctor said not to bother as it's not that effective. Interesting, we'll see how Bren feels about it! The hospital visit did, however, provide an incrediably amusingf picture of Bren with a thermometer in his mouth and a CV cuff round his arm, sporting a look of utter dispair! Saw Starsky and Hutch today, which was just as brilliant as I'd hoped it would be. One for the DVD wish list that. Hope they have it for a quid in Hanoi... Off to Ayuthaya to pick up Bren's little black book, then on to Chiang Mai on a sleeper (again) and then into Laos. Hooray!!

Craziness! Flushed with the success of jewelry design, Bren and I went out for dinner and beer, sitting down in front of Pulp Fiction, which we watched whilst scarfing food and supping beers. We had 2 large beers, then moved on to an "Irish" pub in which we proceeded to drink heineken and White Russians for England, before having a brilliant chat and, then meeting "The Americans..." This is where things went downhill. We ended up taking a cab to a second venue, in which all manner of insanity took place, the details of which are available on an individual basis Via email, with the title of "Balloon bursting" Anyway, we ended up in a cab back to the Khao San road with the Americans and Kerro, one of the barmaids from the club, who brilliantly had the word "danger" tattooed on her upper thigh. Bren managed to find some people playing football, and proceeded to play until 6AM, coming in absolutely dripping with sweat!

This morning was spent feeling awful, then finally getting out of bed at 2PM, hopping into a cab that took us to the British Embassy instead of the Vietnamese one, meaning a bastard-long walk in the hot sun. We picked up our passports, went to Subway and enjoyed infinite Sprite and a footlong each. Got a cab back and fell into a fitful sleep, with me waking up and coming here, leaving Bren asleep. I'll wake him up at about 10:30 for some food, then it's on to Chiang Mai (again) after going to the hospital to get Bren's Malaria medicine. Now, to find out what hospital is in Thai...

Eu-bloody-reka! After nearly 6 months of searching, including a number "Not quite right's" and "Do you have that in Jade"s? I've finally got a piece of Jade that is actually quite nice. Bren and I spent about 3 hours being directed from shop to shop, then back to that other shop that we'd already been to, when, finally, we arrived at a specialist Gem cutters. This was on the back of my favourite shop, which, upon not having any Jade, tried to sell me some uncut polished emeralds for 50000 Baht (700 pounds!!) The most frustrating part of the day was not being allowed into some of the shops unless you looked like you drove a car hewn of solid gold and owned several Pacific islands...

The place, called Lambert Holdings LTD, is run by a supercool American Ex Lawyer, who showed me what he had available. None of it was quite right, and so, taking two pieces of the Jade he had, I got the right shade, the right size and then actually designed the piece myself, which is really rather cool! He'll have it ready in a couple of weeks which is just fine as Bren and I will be back this way in 3 weeks time. Hope you like it Ma!!

So, if anyone's looking for some jewelry to be made, and you have a couple of weeks spare, give them a shout, they're on 807 Thanon Silom, on the 4th floor. Tell 'em Chris Ronketti sent you and you'll be fine... He was especially impressed when I mentioned the Goldsmiths. Thanks for the birthright dad!

Anyway, we neglected to pick up our passports, what with the level of busyness of today, meaning that tomorrow is fairly packed. We have to get them, get some Prophylaxis that Bren can actually stomach and then get ourselves on a train/coach to Chiang Mai in time for tomorrow.

Should be good fun, as we're now a lot less pressed for time. Also,my friend at home, Jamie Bolden, has been given the nickname J-Bo by a sleep-deprived Bren. I reckon it should stick, with an "I'm still Jamie from the block" slant on his electoral campaign getting him the grass-roots vote. What do you think J-Bo? Is that cool?...

Bollocks. The only word that I can use to sum up yesterday. It seems that, despite the fact that it says on the wall in the Vietnam embassy, that a multiple entry visa costs 1700 Baht, the, I'm sorry, TOTAL BITCH behind the counter told us it was 5000, 72 quid, thus scuppering our plans to go to China. I don't know whether she got dumped that day or whether she's just a hateful person, but I now despise embassy staff with all of my being....

I spent the rest of the day mighty pissed off and tired, after being made to wait until after lunch (2PM) to get our single entry visia (2500, 100 on the wall...), as we showed up 5 minutes after 11:30 with our money. Once again, embassy staff... Obviously, despite the "No China" issue, I've decided to continue with my travels, thankfully saving some cash (trip to China was going to be about 200 quid) to spend on my poorly bike when I get back. Currently half-watching "Torque" which seems like a bit of fun, but with the odd glaring flaw. Might buy it for "shits and giggles" if I can find it for a quid...

"You shouldn't pick on girls" apparently...

Paid up, got back, passed out. Woke up at 10PM, ate, watched Jackass, then slept, waking up at 11 thoroughly refreshed. We're now continuing Gemquest(TM) the search for some Jade, which involves us going all over the shop as Thanon Khao Sarn, the road we're staying on, only sells silver and "Gems" which are indeed made of plastic.

Hooray, back in Bangkok! Took a while but we've managed to find a hotel with a vacant airconditioned twin room. Only problem is that we can't check in til 9, and the Vietnamese embassy opens at half nine. This normally wouldn't be a problem but I haven't slept a wink at all on the coach.

Brilliantly, I was picoseconds from falling asleep at about 2, when suddenly, Brens right arm flinched, whapping me in the face with his tasteful tartan blankie, and waking me up to the muttered groan of "Bastard" from me...

headiong off to the embassy in an hour or so, then checking in for some R&R, followed by a meal of some kind, then maybe booze and a mmmovie. Hooray!!

had a shower now so feel much refreshed. Also tried out my tripod and it's brilliant, weighs 650 grammes as well...

In other news, it appears someone has relieved themselves on the mat outside our room...

"Forward planning". Two beautiful little words that make peoples lives so much easier. So, we can't get a multiple entry Visa for Vietnam in Chiang Mai. Pants. We now have to travel back to Bangkok, hand our passports over to the Vietnamese embassy, twiddle our thumbs for 3 days, then get back on the bus to Chiang Mai for a well deserved trip down the Mekong river through Laos.

You may have noticed the phrase "Multiple entry" up there in yonder paragraph. That is because the secret "plan" that Bren and I have is to see the great wall of China, before it disappears for good (two thirds of it have already crumbled away, egads!) That's right boys and girls, I'm going to Beijing! Seeing the Terracotta army too, while I'm there, and possibly getting my ass kicked in a carefully choreographed Kung Fu fight with, I don't know, an 8 year old... Well I have to see if the years of training have been worth it! So anyway, sleeper train to Beijing from Hanoi, then back, then 10 days in Vietnam, then 4 days in Cambodia, then back to Bangkok, then home, Packed itinery but that's the way I like it! There's plenty of time to sleep when I'm dead. Or on the train.

In other news, I narrowly missed being run over today, and I also managed to buy a camera tripod for 8 quid, so things are looking up, in a steady, tripod-mounted fashion. It even has a spirit level and can take portrait shots. Magic! Sitting here supping on my big Gulp Sprite (about the size of a small car's fuel tank), waiting for the 7PM coach to Bangkok, where, hopefully, the Vietnam embassy could just make my day! Chinese Visa is a walk in the park comparatively, as is the Cambodian one, so we won't get caught out like this again.

Anyway, that's all from me, am extremely excited about the great wall, moderately excited about the Mekong trip and awesomely excited to be alive.

"Just because I rock, doesn't mean I'm made of stone..."

In Chiang mai after a trip on a sleper that involved anything but! The train, when it did turn up , was a little over an hour late. We boarded, veterans at the sleeper train thing, clambered into bed and read our respective books. I had the feeling that the train wasn't moving quite as much as it should, and, sure enough, we were 2 hours behind schedule when they woke us up at an unreasonable 6AM. Finished Bren's book, which was really rather good, and figured out where we were going to stay.

Got here, Tuk Tuk'd to "Eagle House 2" the summer home of some well-to-do bird of prey, and fell asleep til 4. Ate a wonderful meal, discussed Bren's Doxycline induced nausea (we can't find an alternative at the moment) and looked into trips to laos incorporating a Vietnamese Visa if possible.

Leaving things til the last minute does seem to have the odd pitfall. Who knew?

What a lot of Wats! Have returned exhausted from our temple visiting regime, which was really rather excellent! The cabbie came and collected us at 2, as we arranged, getting off to a good start when the car would barely turn over due to a flat battery. He got it going in the end, and took us first to Wat Phanan Choeng, which had an enormous golden Buddha which people were giving offerings to. I stood close to it, just behind the row of people, when a Monk walked past and blessed me with some holy water splashed from some branches in his hand! We walked around for a bit, admiring all the Buddha images, made a donation and carried on to the next Wat.

This one is fairly famous, as it features a reclining Buddha, quite a rare position for a Buddha statue. Yan Chaya Mangkol, as it was called (!) was lovely as well, with scenic gardens, a large temple in the centre, surrounded by spires, and, this time, a monk and an apprentice walking around the grounds together. The reclining Buddha was also excellent, about 25 metres top to toes, and clothed in a huge orange-silk robe.

It was about this time that we changed from car to Tuk Tuk, as it was getting harder and harder to start. As an accompaniment for this, it was decided by some higher force that, seeing as we were now in an open-air vehicle, that it would rain. Hard. We pressed on, on to Phra Mangkon Bophit, which was one of my favourites due to it having been left in the condition the Burmese left it after the sacking of Ayuthaya. It really gave a sense of history to the place, and you could imagine what it must have been like in the immediate aftermath of the attack! Also, due to the noises of exotic birds, dense tree cover and the state of the ruins, it made me feel like I was in an Indiana Jones movie... We headed form here to the train station to book our night train, and were rewarded with snippets of an 8 girl WWE match from Monday night RAW. Lita ended up winning (I feel so sad for knowing their names) but, obviously, the star of the show was Stacy Kiebler, with her fantastic bum. I reckon Trish Stratus would have won if Lita hadn't cheated though. I digress, we then went on to my absolute favourite, Wat Mahathat, which was another little restored complex. It had Prangs, spires and loads of delapidated Buddha figures, but best of all it was huge! You could walk around the whole thing surveying the ruins, really getting a feel for how it must have been 600 years ago, with the monks walking round, performing their daily rituals, the same as today.

The final stop was the monument to one of the Burmese kings, a huge statue of him on horseback and an even bigger temple beyond it. Brilliant white, with 50 or so steps leading to the prayer chamber, topped with a huge spire with golden Buddha's and a golden tip. Time hadn't been as kind to the structural integrity of this temple, and the top 20 metres or so, the spire and support, had sunk rather alarmingly to the right. We climbed the stairs, paid our entry fee, took the torch given to us, bought some incense and made our way into the chamber. The tunnel leading into it was absolutely tiny, and pitch black. Clearly not designed for Westerners. We got to the chamber, about 4 metres square with a Buddha image in the corner, and had a look around. I made some offerings of incense to Buddha, asking him to look out for my loved ones, did the little hands together motion (Wai) and left to enjoy the breeze. We descended the steps, watched the sun set, taking a few average pictures, and headed homewards, stopping for a picture of the monument and temple across the lake against the backdrop of a rapidly setting sun.

A really enjoyable, but tiring, day, owing somewhat to the fact that I didn't sleep until 6:30 this morning! Don't ask me why, just couldn't! Getting the 9PM night train to Chiang Mai, arriving at 9AM tomorrow. Relaxing there for 2 days then rushing to Vientaine to sort out our Visa's for Vietnam.

I sit before you battered and bloodied. My assailant made off with 40 Baht and most of my hair. That's right kids, I've had a haircut... Bren and I decided to have a wander for him to get his beard trimmed and me to get my ears lowered, and so we found a place directly above an opticians, with the first place we found being one of those "It's full of women, is it a unisex place or a woman's only place? Oh God, they're staring at us, Bren, let's run away!" types of places. Anyway, the guy cutting my hair moved in a slow deliberate way, gesturing to my hair with a pair of clippers. "Number 2 please!" I quipped, nonchalantly...

"Ow" he said (Thai for yes) and proceeded to shave off ALL the hair on the left hand side of my face in a single sweep. Shocked, I touched the now barren patch and sighed. This was going to be a long haircut. He proceeded to make me more bald, exposing the bright red birthmark on the back of my head for the first time in years (thanks mate...), and then, for the final cut, he went for the cutthroat. Not crediting him with an iota of skill, I said "Mai Ow!" which means "No!". I didn't know the Thai for "Oh God no!" so that had to suffice. He then proceeded to take off the bib thing, after having not touched the top of my hair, the bit I wanted cutting., I gestured for him to do so (I was in all the way already) and he slowly lowered the chair into a dentist style position and then hacked arbitrarily at my head, managing to lance the top of my skull with the scissors. He then slowly moved the scissors towards my nostrils, only to be greeted with another desperate "Mai ow!" from a clearly distressed me.

His coup de grace was to place a wet towel on my forehead, place his palms together and then bring them down onto my head with considerable force in a Mr Miyagi style, giving me what I can only term as a mild concussion. I stood up, dazed, gave him 40 Baht, and staggered off with a similarly distressed Bren, who'd had his face, forehead and eyelids shaved. What is wrong with this country?!!

What a day! Bangkok traffic is bad at the best of times, and so, it was no surprise that with a desperate deadline, it turned into a huge immobile carpark, much to the annoyance of our insane cabbie friend. His insanity was determined when he wouldn't stop singing, repeatedly revved his engine at a standstill, touched my knee in a worryingly famailiar way, and generally drove like like the hounds of Hades were attached to the rear bumper... Anyway, the reason for our deadline is that we found out last night that Vietnamese Visa's take 5 working days. So, we decided to get to the embassy sharpish, via insane-o-cab, which drove us directly to the doors, leading Bren and I to instantly think we were going to be shot. We weren't, fortunately, but, almost as bad, we learned the truth that I will impart to you now: EVERY EMBASSY IN THE WORLD CLOSES FOR TWO HOURS BETWEEN 11:30 AND 13:30. This is a rather frustrating fact, all the more frustrating given that we had a 14:50 train to catch from a station at least an hour away. Can you see the problem here?

Anyway, we got in, after a lunch with Coffee that tasted like ash and dirt in warm water with spit on it (Blackadder goes forth) and ascertained that we'd have to get our visa in Vientaine, the capital of Laos. Armed with this information, we shot out the door, got the first (non-insane) cab we could to Khao San, sprinted down to our hotel, got our bags, our tickets and hailed a Tuk Tuk to take us to the train, which we wer now informed left at 14:30. Thanks for that, you amiable yet useless tour people. It is physically impossible to get angry at amiable people, which, in itself, got me angry, sadly in a completely directionless way. Anyway, we caned it along the road in our little Tuk Tuk, which leant heavily into corners leading to me hanging halfway out of it to balance it out. It was like riding sidecar, but with a bit more traffic! We arrived at the station at 14:35, sadly missing the train, but fortunately able to transfer our tickets to the next one, at 16:10. Got Sprite, water, and waited for our (un airconditioned) train.

We boarded, stowed luggage and began reading our respective books. bren and I have performed a bookswap now, with me reading some Violent Scottish take on "The Bill" (Low rate police drama for those hailing from somewhere outside of England) and Bren reading Cuba Libre, which is really rather good. Fortunately I took the time to look upo from my book to see the countryside rolling by. Thailand was going all out to wow me, and it was doing really well. The slums of Bangkok giving way to a stream of postcard-perfect pictures in the evening half light. It was a similar story looking out behind me, as the blood red sun reflected and glinted off the waters of the trackside paddyfields. Absolutely beautiful.

Speaking of Bangkok slums, a huge fire broke out today, just South of where we're staying, claiming 3000 people's homes. Didn't see any of it, which makes me feel really rather ignorant!!

Ayuthaya itself is going to be amazing. I've seen the various Prangs (pointed towers) of the 30 or so temples in the area, and we're going on a tour of the 8 famous ones tomorrow. Ayuthaya is a UNESCO heritage site, and the whole town in essentially a National Park. It used to be the capital of the old Khmer kingdom until the 17th century, housing over a million people. No mean feat for that day and age!

Off to Chiang Mai on the night train tomorrow (cue Guns and Roses) for some Thai culture, which I'm looking forward to. We've already got our Loas Visa's so, in three days time, we cross the border into a new country with a new, and almost indecipherable, language. Game on.

Editors note: I have now added 5 videos of the illustrious adventures of Bren and I. The blue mountains, in Oz, Bren flaming a cockroach in Phuket, Huka falls in NZ, An otter recycling in Kho Samui, and a beautiful glacial lake near Wanaka, with Pete swearing at the end. Honestly Pete...

Exciting! Went out for a few beers and a movie, which turned out to be The Last Samurai. Oh, and a lot of beers rather than a few as they were doing a "special" buy three get one free deal. So, after watching the film, getting annoyed with the arsehole sitting behind us, we went back to the room for a blast of A/C and a blast of Vodka, we went out in search of lively drinking establishments. Our first attempt landed us in what I can only describe as a kiosk, called "immortal" in which one girl was dancing with everyone else watching it would appear. We then went on to a promising looking place called "Lava" which looked like a club from the outside but was in fact another bar. The only person dancing was an incredibly saucy girl to my left whom everyone was staring at. With the vodka kicking in and the beers still flowing we decided not to let this stop us and proceeded to dance all the way around the bar, triggering off quite a few other people that were clearly itching to dance. I performed what Bren has termed my "Gravity defying dance" which, apparently, the ladies get a real kick out of.

This is where things get a little hazy. I apparently started dancing with some girl from Guernsey which sparked off some kind of conversation with her, Bren and I and her mate. This continued for a bit, and at some point a Thai girl caressed Bren's beard and asked him to join her at her table. We left shortly afterwards (the place closed) with an upset Thai girl in our wake and two Guernsey girls in tow. We chatted outside for a bit and then parted company, with Bren and I becoming ravenously hungry all of a sudden. I got noodles from a street vendor and Bren got an entire fish, complete with mad staring eyes. It was absolutely delicious actually, with Bren going back to get more, only to discover that the vendor had gone! Curses! Not suffering any ill effects, and the whole thing cost, like 30p or something.

Today was obviously a late start, with the hotelliers slamming on the door to ascertain whether we were staying or not. Bren opened the door to gift them the sight of me semi-conscious, upside down with my legs in the air. In pants. In my sleep sheet though, so they didn't see anything. We got up, breakfasted, and then went to MBK to see Starsky & Hutch and change over our t-shirts which were too big. We accomplished 50% of our mission, as Starsky and Hutch isn't out here until the 30th, but we did see Hellboy which I really enjoyed. The strangest part of the day was when, at the beginning of the film, there was a 3 minute slideshow about the King of Thailand, precursored with "Please pay your respects for the king of Thailand". Everyone in the cinema stood up for it, something I thought was excellent! We ate at a Chinese restaurant, with Bren using chopsticks for the first time, with an impressive level of skill. Bren being Bren, he soon got bored and tucked in with the provided Spoon and Fork. I, however, persevered and was treated to a round of applause when I finally finished my meal.

Thankyou. Thankyou all so much! I'd like to thank my manager, and my trainer, who believed in me every step of the way...

Walked around, bought two belts which are really nice (I only own a single belt) looked for Jade, finding a really lovely piece that was 7000 Baht (100 pounds...) reduced from 8000 baht (Come on now, I mean, it's nice and all but, seriously...) Going to have to go a bit farther afield me thinks. Should probably have bought it in NZ but I couldn't find quite what I was looking for. I'm sure I'll know it when I find it. Going out for a beer and a movie, just one beer though, and not the last Samurai. The cab home was interesting, as it broke down about 200 metres from the taxi rank. I claimed to have broken it with my mind by accident. Walked back to the rank and got into another cab, which promptly missed slamming into an A-Class Merc by about a foot.

Also, Thailand is NOT the DVD mecca I thought it would be, as you can't check the quality and they're 100 Baht. Holding high hopes for either Laos or, more likely, Vietnam. So, if you're after DVD's and you're in the neighbourhood, head to Penang in Malaysia. Top notch!

In other news, Bren and I are now past masters in the art of idle banter. I can't remember the last time that I called him Bren, and he's managed to give me the nickname "Sweatpatch" courtesy of my non-jesus love sweating in Kho Samui. This culminated in me threatening to "Fart on things that he liked" which led to him telling me a story in which he annoyed his brother Shaun so much that he urinated on his bed in revenge. Not someone to be messed with it would appear...

Have just spellchecked this post and it came up with "Hitlerism" for "Hotelliers". Brilliant!

Spent last night watching some film with Angelina Jolie and Clive Owen, something to do with aid workers, and drinking beers. Avoided the ping pong show, fortunately, and got some much needed sleep.

Today's been really quite productive, have managed to get a CD burnt of my photos from Oz and South East Asia, managed to put our passports in for our Laos Visa's and have purchsed no less than 10 flags each to sew onto our bags. Should show who paid attention in sewing class...

Once we've got our passports back we'll hit the town, in the face if necessary, and have bit of a boogie, probably leaving for Ayuthaya tomorrow.

In other news, I have managed to sweat a perfect heart on the back of my T-Shirt, photographic evidence available shortly.



Looking forward to sweating a perfect replica of Jesus Christ's face in the near future...

In bustling Bangkok! The train journey was actually really cool, as we had a sleeper. My very own bed on a train, felt a lot like being aboard a second world war submarine though... Managed to get quite a lot of sleep until I was woken up by the staff. We'd reached rural Bangkok, which looks startlingly like rural Jakarta... This theme sadly continued to the Favella style shacks on the outskirts of town. This time, however, quite a few of them were on stilts jutting out of the water, which made them look at least a bit more hospitable.

In an internet cafe now after having got the bus to our hostel (hopefully, it hasn't got any twin rooms free yet...) The bus was quite interesting as it started to move off before I'd actually got anywhere near it. Bren was already aboard and so I had to board a moving bus with my heavy-ass rucksack, made it on only to have my rucksack shut in the doors! An auspicious beginning to my travels in Bangkok! Bren probably want some sleep when we check in, as he didn't sleep well on the train, despite his amazing slumber powers. Have a fairly busy schedule what with applying for Visa's and buying DVD's/sightseeing. Looking forward to the next few days!

Managed to get the ferry to Surat Thani with about 5 minutes to spare, as is customary with Bren and I. Spent the most part of the 3 hour journey on deck in the blazing sunshine, getting tanned, sweating lots and reading my book, which is getting really interesting now! It all got too much after a while and we retreated to the airconditioned interior for a bit of respite. And for me to slam my head against the TV of course...

Waiting at a cafe opposite the train station now for the train, about 2 hours to go. Will look for a place to stay in Bangkok whilst on the way, as, obviously, nothing can be planned in advance.

Just surfing for the moment, waiting for the train. the poeple here are very friendly, with one of them having an unhealthy obsession with Land Rovers. Joe, you'd be proud of this guy!!

"This is the worst part, the calm before the battle..."
"And then the battle's not so bad?"
"Oh god, I forgot about the battle..."

Hooray! The perfect end to a brilliant day. Against all the odds, Valentino Rossi, AKA my idol, managed to win his first race on the Yamaha M1 against Max Biaggi, clearly on a better bike. The poor bugger broke down in tears at the end and kissed his bike, what a star! Anyway, we got an early night after that, with me reading my book and failing to go to sleep until 4AM, due, in part, to the raucous cabaret show taking place beneath us..

Today's been a little more productive, we're booked on the ferry off the island at 1:30 and then on a train to Bangkok at 8PM in order to save money on a nights accommodation. We arrive in Bangkok at 8AM tomorrow, hopefully bright and refreshed... Have got most of the remainder of our time in Thailand planned out, hopefully incorporating some elephant action of some description. Will be in Laos in exactly one weeks time, then on through to Vietnam a few days later.

Should be really good as we're taking a tour through the tunnels that the Viet Kong used against the Americans during the Vietnam war. Should be very educational and probably quite moving. Speaking of that, we're missing out on the bridge over the river Kwai, the signature piece of the infamous "Death railway" due to time restrictions. It's a shame but I'll pay my respects from a distance.

Ended up eating an entire sea bass for 2.50, with Lime and Chilli sauce. The first bite tasted amazing, but the rest of the meal was an exercise in managing not to cry. They really meant it when they added the chilli... Anyway, we ended up meeting Stalker girls sister on a scooter, with a black dog called Ninja as her passenger, it was soo cute!! The match ended up being somewhat of a disappointment, so Bren and I ended up going to a bar to watch Pirates of the Caribbean, which was excellent.

Today's been brilliant too, with Bren and I going to the Zoo and Aquarium. We watched an excellent bird show with a mathematical parrot and some hat-stealing eagles, topped off by the parrots that mugged audience members for 100 Baht notes. The most elaborate mugging I've ever seen!



Next up were the recycling Otters, who took empty bottles from the audience and put them in bins. Brilliantly cool!



The highlight of the show, however, were the five Royal Bengal Tigers, who were absolutely massive. They climbed tightropes, jumped through flaming hoops and looked generally mean and massive, just like Tigers should.

We then went on to the aquarium where we saw some crazy fish, lethal sharks and evil eels. It goes without saying that the male Moray eel is the most evil thing I've ever seen under water. Upon exiting the aquarium we noticed a sign saying "Photo with Tiger" which was what we'd been waiting for. We went through to the enclosure where 3 tiger cubs and a leopard cub were playing. What we didn't expect was one of the Tiger cubs to jump out of the cage and start wandering about. It was quickly followed by the leopard, and, before long, they were roughhousing right next to Bren and I, with the Tiger taking a playful swipe at my foot! Amazing! The main event, however, was the big bastard Tiger in the main cage. I was lead up to it, told to essentially cuddle it and smile. Tigers, in reality, are absolutely huge, with it's front paws being about the same size as my hands! It was around 3 metres from tail tip to nose, but somehow managed to find the time to keep it's coat silky soft... An awesome experience and a priceless photo (well, 100 Baht anyway...)





We then went to see the agro tiger, the one that kept roaring at the trainer during the show. It was pacing up and down, growling and looking menacing, when Bren and I looked away for a split second. Quick as a flash it leapt at the fence between us, huge paw outstretched, teeth laden mouth open wide, and let out a huge roar. Suffice it to say a significant amount of adrenalin was released and we left a few minutes later, in awe of these magnificent creatures.

Am officially the happiest man alive now, as i've managed to find a bar showing MotoGP at 5:30, right next to our hotel. Watching that then preparing to head for the mainland, probably going to be in Bangkok within the next few days then on to Ayathaya, a world heritage site which is supposed to be amazing!

Take care now, and remember, don't play with Tigers...