Ronking round the world

Back in good ol' KL, had a monstrous KFC meal for 2.50, for both Bren and I. Went to the cinema and watched Big Fish, getting an absolute tropical soaking in the process. I honestly couldn't have gotten much wetter if you'd thrown me in a pool. That reminds me, I need to get to a pool... Quite enjoyed Big Fish, more than I was expecting to. Then I really enjoyed a Slurpee from the 7-11 downstairs. Galaxy blast flavour, a single taste of which managed to raise Bren's eyebrow in the most amusing fashion! Going to have another one before the end of the night.

The hostel here's pretty cool, there's people everywhere, but, as is usually the case with these places, they're all fairly cliquey, making conversation improbable on more than a basic level. Probably going to go out tomorrow, as sleep and slurpee beckon for tonight.

Should save some cash for "The Plan"...

Ahh, the satisfying bliss of a good nights sleep! Spent yesterday roaming around the Dutch district of Melaka, visiting a lovely restaurent which served awesome cheesecake! Simple things eh? Bypassed a dull sounding museum, which was in fact a replica of a Portuguese Caravel (pretty cool) went into Chinatown and the visited some fantastic antique shops. Mum and Dad would have gone wild!!

Leaving for KL in a few hours time, have collected our laundry, in which I got everything I own hand washed and ironed for just over a quid. We're laying waste to this country! Spent a large portion of yesterday looking at movie trailers, with the Incredibles looking fantastic, Kate Beckinsale looking amazing in Van Helsing, Spiderman 2 looking pretty good and Starsky and Hutch obviously being a must see! Writing postcards today Mom and Pop, so it should be with you in a few weeks time.

Bye for now!

Attention all Simon Pegg/Spaced fans. The Shaun of the dead, "A romantic Comedy. With Zombies" website is available Here. Looks damn, damn funny, look for it in cinemas!

Back in Malaysia now. After a none too eventful trip on a none too VIP coach, we arrived at our charming little hostel at around 10. It's got a roof garden, lovely rooms and is quite near the centre of "Town" which, isn't much of a town at all, but it does save a walk... Bren and I spent ages just talking bollocks in our room before falling asleep knackered.

I'm not ill anymore, fortunately, Nurofen Cold and Flu and the healing power of Sprite have cured me right up, so I managed to get a good nights sleep for the first time in ages! We're going to a museum today, then picking up our laundry at midday and heading up to KL, 100KM North to continue our journey up the West coast. Malaria zones are soon to be entered (cripes!) so Malerone taking is on the cards for the next few days...

Here's to the side effects!

Newsflash: My rather brilliant Father has informed me that Crispy Creme doughnuts are opening their second store in, wait for it, ENFIELD! That means that you too can experience the tooth destroying wonderment of 90% sugar treats without the hassle of flting to the USA or, more realistically, shopping in Harrods! Jamie, I think you know what you have to do, as your prayers have now been answered...

I'm ill!! Have had the sniffles since "The night of the long drinks" in KL, and i'd hoped that the "Night of a thousand Vodkas" would cure it. Alas, I'm now sneezing, coughing and aching my was back to Malaysia at around 2 today. With little sympathy available from Bren (I may have given it to him too) i'm branching out to the blog community for "Poor you's". Anyway, watched "Twisted" last night, which was watchable but nothing spectacular.

Came back to a Dutch couple in our room, the girl of which was wearing the biggest pants i've ever seen, true Catholic School issue. It was hard not to laugh... Anyway, saying goodbye to Singapore, one of the places I can say beyond a doubt that I'd LOVE to come back to. Any takers....?

Bellies are for dancing, Tummies are for children and six packs are for drinking. Stomachs, however, are for putting bacon double cheeseburgers and Iced MILO in. Spanking gorgeous!!

Omissions: Have managed to make a number of omissions, most notably being the rather ingenious soaking of all the girls dancing on the bar with soda water by felix two nights ago. Genius! I managed to get the Gunung Bromo photos developed and, no surprises here, they were mostly underexposed, with most of them being grainy due to the crappy camera/film. Some shots did come out, but the Bali sunset is a bit crappy, with nothing like the array of colours that I saw in evidence. Oh well, i'll scan them in and see what i can do!

On a slightly bizarre note, i've recently been getting the sensation that i'm being hit in the groin, when, in fact i'm not. the first one was the sensaion of being hit by a sledgehammer, which was quite unpleasant. The most vivid one was whilst watching Out of Time in Jakarta, which was the sensation of being hit by a football. Oh well, it hasn't happened for a while so I should be ok!

Today's been pretty cool, we went to Chinatown, seeing loads of crazy Chinese stalls, with Bren buying his Brother a rathr cool present and me buying 3 pairs of socks for "Fie Dollar" (how we laughed, for a bit) We thn went on a magical mystenry tour of the city using public transport, and decided to go to the zoo, which was excellent. The best part of it was that there were MONKEYS EVERYWHERE!!!



They weren't even in cages, which was pretty funny, as one of them, the "prank Monkey" as we named him, jukped next to this japanese girl and scared her half to death. We saw Tamarins, the rather excellent Gibbons,



Howler Monkeys and, last but by no means least, the "high fiving" Orangutans.



We then went on to see the frankly massive Polar bears,



dull as ditchwater Manatees and the "Jackass Penguins" which were brilliant, with one of them clearly trying to get to this car keys that he'd dropped outside the tank... "They're over there, just by your left foot!!"

Sadly, the elements decided to conspire against us and the heavens opened spexctacularly, turning most of the habitats into swampland in minutes, much to the dismay of the Rhinos!



The zoo staff called off the trams and got us all back to the depot, where we got a bus and a train back to our hostel. Fortunately they drove us past the "Elephants of Asia" exhibit, and, more importantly, we got to see the Two White Siberian Tigers, which were acbsolutely awesome. MIGHT go to raffles tonight, and, yes Dad, I am giving the liver a rest, thanks, I have an ingenious plan that needs me to save a little drinking money. Will reveal it later.

Interesting!!

Today's been somewhat of a laboured affair, but not without it's results. I, being a man of reasonable intelligence and prone to "Fiddle" (no sniggering!) have managed to fix my camera. Indeed when the Swiss army decided that their knives didn't do enough things, they gifted me with the ability to fix practically anything, toes, cameras, boxing matches, you name it!

Aside from the uncontrollable laughter generated by the word "Sprike" (Copyright Brendan Ferriter 2004) today has been a bit of a loss. Only the discovery of a new, "Ice Sprite" which physically hurts your face as you drink it, has made it anything of note. Apparently the "Night Safari" at the Zoo admits it's last guest/midnight snack for Tigers at 11PM, so we're going to Hotfoot it over there, then sleep, then wake up, THEN go to Raffles, with my camera fixed. Also, fixing my camera has enabled Bren and I to see the hilarious photo of him dressed as some kind of matrix style chap using only glasses and 2 straws.



Also, Felix's nipple, unsettlingly, gets in to one shot.

This one's for Boys who like Girls and Girls who like Girls. Click here and you'll be rewarded by the best thing i've ever seen done with a non-contact digitiser. Amazing stuff, thanks to David Sconce, or Partying Dave, as he's known to Bren and I, for this little beauty!

My god the blog's cool now! Have posted the pics that Athar got back to me, resized, renamed and rejigged (harbour bridge, I mean come on, how old are you....!) Thanks for all of that mate, it really would only be half the blog it is without you!! I've got some bungee pics that i thought i'd sent you but haven't (sorry Jana!) and various other pics to send you, now I know where i'm up to. The ones of felix and Bren behind the bar should be amusing!!

Ah the sweet caress of Caffeine! (I can spell) After internetting last, Bren and I got Subway for the first time in what seems like forever. Sadly, due to our now feeble stomach capacities, a footlong meatball sub damn near killed us both, with a sizeable time spent "Just working the subway through".. We then changed and hit the town, taking in the spectacular skyline and Parliament building, perusing all the identikit semi-trendy places and a live jazz club (Cool!) before deciding on an Irish themed bar that I can't remember the name of. I got the first round in while Bren went to the loo, and was SHOCKED BEYOND RECOGNITION when the bill came to 26 dollars for two beers. Admittedly they were Tigers (my favourite non lime-accompanied beer in the universe) but Jesus Tap-dancing Christ! We came to the conclusion that no one on earth can afford to get drunk in this fair city, so, after being asked if we'd like another beer 3 times, we stole 2 Tiger beer mats (we had to get SOMETHING for our money!) and headed off to Raffles for our Singapore slings. It was at this time that I suggested walking along the waterfront to look at the river, the boats, take in the scenery etcetera, and, lo and behold, against all the odds, there were 2 "all you can drink" bars right next to each other. Game on!

We walked up the road just to see if there was anything else doing, meeting a girl with the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. I really couldn't speak for about 5 seconds. It's just as well she approached Bren and not me, or things might have been a bit weird with me not responding to her at all! On an interesting side note, Bren gets stared at here. A lot. We think he looks like some celebrity on TV here or something, either that or Singaporeans have never seen a beard before. Anyway, we chose the Hawaiian themed bar over the "Tarts in short red skirts" themed bar, paid our 25 dollars and got drinking in a distinctly British way. We quickly befriended the hyper talented Singaporean Tom Cruise equivalent barman, called Felix, who had the unnerving tendency of revealing his left nipple without warning.



Apart from that he was brilliantly cool, knew our names, kept pouring us drinks and did things with a cocktail shaker that even gravity couldn't believe. It was about this time that we met the enchanting Jasmine, one of the bar ladies, who was really rather lovely. She ended up dancing on the bar in a Coyote ugly stylee with Tattoo girl, before whipping both Bren and my asses at pool. After no fewer than 26 double Vodka and cokes we slurred our goodbyes, safe in the knowledge that she was coming to London to study accountancy next year, and that she was certainly going to contact us (email address procured). Surely, who WOULDN'T want to be seen with two loutish drunken Brits?..

It was about now that things took a turn for the blurred. The thing about vodka is A: It turns Bren into a dancing machine and B: it takes a while for the effects to chime in. Soon enough we found ourselves on a dancefloor, which I had no problem with. It was then that a barmaid came up to us and told us we had to order drinks. Being pissed as we now realised we were, we did the only thing we could in the situation. We ordered two double vodka and cokes, waited til she went off to get them, and legged it as fast as we could into the street.

We finally found a non drink obliged dancing area, where Bren and I strutted our stuff, before SOMEHOW I lost him, found him, then lost him again, before wandering round the streets of Singapore with no clue of where I was. I then took two cabs, the first of which couldn't understand me at all, with the second cab randomly driving past a fairly "all at sea" Bren, who was slaloming his way down the road to our hostel.

We talked for a bit, agreed on getting food, when suddenly and without warning, I was forcibly ordered to go home, without any supper if you will. Knowing that it was probably for the best, I went back, undressed, falling down twice, and slipped into unconsciousness.

Bren, meanwhile, befriended two hyper drunk and "Yeah!!" shouting Canadians, whom he tried to play cone/sprite can baseball (I reckon he was just after the Sprite) with, talked to a Cat for half an hour, got a sandwich and somehow made it back at around 4. This city is amazing.

Going to a night Safari tonight, then, probably tomorrow, we're going to Raffles (seriously this time) before hitting Malaysia again and adding some more stamps to our overstamped passports.



Note: Sometime today we remembered that the reason that i lost bren was that he ran, as fast as he could and for as long as he could, away from me, as he got angry that I could keep up with his walking pace. The sudden memory of this caused us both to piss ourselves with laughter in Burger King (hangover food) Almost as much as I laughed when bren came up with the name "Sprike" for the Coke and Sprite mix I made in Burger King. I laughed, I cried, it was all too much... Jay you'll also be pleased to note that they still do Mushroom Double swiss burgers over here, and they're rather lovely.

Oh how the mighty have fallen. After being "Fixed" for approximately 30 minutes, my camera now only works on timer mode. This means that if I want to take a photo of anything, i have to anticipate it 10 seconds in advance. In the case of the Petronas towers, it involved lying on my back for 15-20 seconds at a time, all the while careful not to be run over by Taxi's..



We went to see "The Human Stain" which I actually enjoyed on a "21 grams" level. It's not a happy film, and it does have it's share of puzzlers, but it's good to watch great actors (Anthony Hopkins, Ed Harris, Gary Sinese and Nicole Kidman) on form.

We got up pretty early today, got breakfast and then got the "Super VIP" bus to Singapore, where we are at the moment. Before we left the hostel we met a really nice Manc called Steven, who gave us a Lonely planet guide to Thailand, and a "Lucky" 10 Baht coin. Top chap! We stopped off at a Malaysian roadside cafe, where I had Mie Goreng, a noodle dish, and was dimayed to discover, halfway through, that it had a dead fly in it. I'm quite amazed I haven't been crippled by stomach spasms, but, god willing, I should be ok. Bren summed it up perfectly, uttering "God, please watch over us as we eat this meal.."


I had a bit of a spaz moment coming through customs, as the metel detector went off. I took my money belt off and went through again, still setting it off. It was at this point that I noticed Bren pissing himself with laughter, looked down, and realised I was "Covered in glasses", with my sunnies and glasses on me. Nonce. Off to Raffles tonight to enjoy a Singapore sling or two in the place of it's birth. Dad, i'll be sure to get some pictures so you can see if it's changed much in, what, 25 years?

F.O.C. Everyones favourite initials. That's how much it's going to cost to get my camera fixed, and i couldn't be happier! Ate for 50 p last night, it was the second spiciest thing i've ever put in my mouth but it did fill me up I suppose.

Went out in KL last night, first going to a bar to play pool (losing 2:1, but it was close!!) then on to another bar to drink and watch football, meeting a charming chap called Richard who informed us of the best way to get to Singapore (coach, it would appear) and various other bits of information. Nice to have met him, and the proprieter of the place, who was a rather amiable Scot. We then went to another bar, where we were the only 2 non-Malaysians, which was quite the experience. Left there after 1 and went to a live music type place, where the singer murdered song after song, before leaving and letting the CD player entertain us. Rather worryingly, on the way we wre offered a "massage" by a "Girl" with a worryingly low voice. At a bus stop. Surrounded by various "Girls" and Girls of the "Per hour" variety. We were latched onto by a freakishly friendly Irish girl who, upon me wrongly stating that Bren parents were from Cork (His mum is from Kerry, which is NEAR Cork) proceeded to pour ice down my pants, which was most distressing. The usual crowd of hookers and rich (relatively) middle aged white guys were in attendance. This time, however, there was the random addition of the first two Chickboys, who, for some reason took a shine to me and demanded my email address at the end of the night. The only thing I could think of at short notice was to give them Mark Little's email address, so, Mark, if you receive an email from 2 chickboys looking for a place to stay in London around June, deal with it as you see fit...

Once we got back in, we SOMEHOW woke up Suzie from California, (girl in the bunk under me) and I proceeded to talk to her at great length, finding all sorts of things out, in a drunken investigative reporter style, whci i'm sure she enjoyed. This morning was pretty funny, with Bren and I still being drunk. We talked to Suzie a bit more, apparently I was making unintelligable noises in the night, until she left, with the comment of "It was nice sleeping with you". Quite.

We were then left with the rather charming Japanese girl, Ayaka, who Bren started talking to. The funniest bit was when she asked him if he'd got his diving licence. Somehow he heard driving licence, and proceeded to spout off about all the places he'd driven, how good it was driving in America, and all sorts of driving related stories, before I, imbetween pissing myself with laughter, told him she'd said DIVING. Funny, very funny. Almost as funny as the "Turtle jelly" episode, in which I got cramp in my face from laughing at. Funny, funny stuff!

We've moved rooms now, as Ayaka's friends are moving in to that room, and we're clearly not wanted! Off to get my camera in a bit, (hooray! i'll try not to cry...) the off to do random crap like book buses, go to museums and buy food.

Off to Singapore tomorrow, to go to Raffles and buy Singapore slings, amongst other things.

Best news in the world, camera's fixed and ready for collection tomorrow!! Cost should be negligable as it only needed a "regular service" Cool!! Happy as Larry, however happy he is. Off to get food, then get loaded on Hooch and high spirits.

Huzzah! Got to the camera shenanigans place in good time, through "bad but not as bad as Indonesia" traffic, with a record 0 RTA's. They say it could be ready as soon as Friday if they have the part, but issued the warning that it may be prohibitively expensive. Taking this into account, I proceeded to find alternative camera that take my memory card and managed to find a cheeky little Olympus with 3.2 megapixels for 130 quid. I then asked the guy if he could move a bit on the price, and he promptly lopped 20 quid off the asking. Everything I touch turns to gold at the moment, which may become a problem at dinner, but we'll deal with that as it arises.

Happy happy joy joy!

Oh yeah, as i didn't mention a few days ago, in case of disapointment, Bren and I had decided to see if we could get a few days in Cairo to see the Pyramids, as it's on the way home from Bangkok. Sadly, upon asking in Indonesia, none of the carriers on our ticket serve Cairo, and so a trip there would involve buying a ticket, defeating the "Pyramids on a shoestring" ethic that we'd adopted. Next year, maybe, next year...

I'm in love! In Kuala Lumpur at the moment, which is the best city i've seen in ages!! We went to see the Petronas towers yesterday and they're absolutely amazing at night, so tall! The walkway between the two is especially impressive, all lit up spanning the two at about 100 metres in the air! Our hostel is on a lively little street and costs the princely sum of 3 pounds.

Last day in Jakarta was interesting, we got a cab to the camera shop, with the guy who was going to take us to the airport later. We got in, to a glorious lack of headroom, the guy pulled out and, "WHACK" straight into another car. 'It's ok, he's my friend, heehehee" I wonder for how long.. This obviously augered well for the journey to the airport later. After a bit of searching we managed to find the camera service centre, which sadly needed 2 weeks to repair Brens camera. Too long for us, so we walked back to the hotel (took ages!) via Spriteville (Pizza Hut) managing not to order the Pepperoni and Spaghetti pizza, amusingly named "PepSpag". On the walk back we were constantly waved and tooted at by teh parade for number 18, causing Bren to say "It's like being famous". It sure was! Given that it was just TOO hot, we popped into a cab, driven by an absolute psycho, who got incredibly wound up, rammed a scooter rider (It was his fault admitttedly) but got us back in time.

We got back, ate, and got into the lackofheadroomcab, and sweated our way to the airport. On the way I saw the perfect shot to Sum up Jakarta, so I opened the side door, jumped out, took the photo (hope it comes out) and got back in again, with a little help from the driver (door was stuck, you see) the things I do for a photograph!!

Once we'd got to the airport we made our way through to departures, where we were treated to the news read by the charming "Kim So Young" (I kid you not!) We were ushered on to the plane, where the cabin staff were unbelievably gorgeous and served us a traditional Indonesian lunch, which disagreed with Brens constitution, leading to me eating nearly all of it... Flew for an hour, then landed in the first proper airport outside of Sydney. We got our luggage, had a Burger King (there were special One player booths if you needed alone time with your whopper...) paid for with 10 Ringgit notes, which are brilliant, and got a cab to our hostel. We wandered around, saw some sights, and retreated to our air conditioned room, in which the air conditioner had broken. Sweet Jesus it's warm...

Just seen "Out of time" with Denzel Washington and Eva Mendez (Aye Carumba!) which was absolutely brilliant!! Pleased I own it on hookyDVD now. Booked our tickets to Kuala Lumpur, flying out tomorrow at 5:55 and arriving 2 hours later in somewhere noticably better (and taller).

Probably going to watch runaway Jury later, as going to the cinema costs about 2 quid. Still more than I pay at home, eh Matt...

Next time I blog will be from Malaysia. New country, hooray!!

Just remembered the best 2 moments of yesterday. In a department store asking for directions, we turned away, thanking them for their help, when one of them blabbed "So big!" causing the rest of them to crack up. I love being this size... Best moment was simply a guy on the street pointing at me and saying "Young girl!" Close, mate, close...

Had the best breakfast today, with Bren and I coming up with a brilliant band name, "The Imperial Speed system" and wrestler name "The storm of Unimaginable fury" Don't ask how... Off to try and find an STA and open Qantas for flight changing monkeying. Wish us luck!

Finally managed to buy a phonecard and make a call after almost 4 hours of trying! Happy mothers day Mum, and good to finally speak to you Fi! Also managed to meet a slightly crazy Swede called Dovid, who "Really wanted to party!" and kept mentioning hookers... We neatly sidestepped him and went to Pizza hut, where Bren and I partook of Sprite and Pizza, finished with Sundaes on Sunday (I have decreed Sunday to be the only day i'm allowed deserts while i'm away, so what else could I have on a Sunday?!) Bliss!

Off to bed in a minute, as Im abolutely shattered from our power walking, booking our flight to KL tomorrow, as well as hopefully changing our return date to the 20th of June, so get the welome wagon hitched for then! Bren may stay out a week longer as his insurance runs out a week after mine, so we can re-hitch it for his triumphant return too..

Here follow some true statements:

1. The world is round.
2. Big girls don't cry
3. Jakarta sucks harder than anything I've ever seen

If you were harbouring any thoughts at all about going to Indonesia (despite the FCO website) avoid Jakarta at all costs. Our hotel is in what I can only describe as an alley, and features conditions on a par with the cells in Alcatraz. It's only saving grace is that it's cheap and has air conditioning. Out on the "street", the situation is even worse, with trannies and pocket hookers vying for business, all the while fat Americans waltz around with "hired company". All very wrong, and quite saddening!

Well, after a pretty good nights sleep, Bren and I decided to try and get his camera fixed and see some of the sights of Jakarta, given that we were here for a while. The camera situation wasn't good, with the best estimate being 2 weeks to get it fixed. One guy did give us a business for a place that opens on Tuesday (Monday is a Muslim holiday!) so we'll try then, hopefully flying out the same day!

The sights in themselves weren't bad. The Presidential palace was impressive, but it and the monumental flame became monumental folly as, less than 100 yards away, twenty or so people were living in shacks under a train line, next to open sewers. I think the money spent on those monuments could have been put to use elsewhere, maybe on basic sanitation... It's no wonder so many people are pinning their hopes on the upcoming elections.

To cut a long and fairly depressing story short, we ended up walking around 30 degree plus Jakarta dripping with sweat, for about 4 hours, achieving little but seeing a lot. We're going to see if we can get a flight to KL added to our round the world tickets, and, if not, book one with Merapati, the biggest airline here. If all goes according to plan, we'll be in Kuala Lumpur by Tuesday evening.

Here's hoping!

Got up a little late, packed and had breakfast. Quick look at the watch suggested that we'd better get a move on, so we donned packs and sprinted to the train station, skilfully ignoring a level crossing advising us not to cross. Cool eh? the Business class train was, shockingly, anything but. No air con and rattling windows lead to an intersting ride!! Fortunately we were seated next to the most helpful Indonesian woman in the world, Ari, who studied communications at Uni. Her English was excellent and she joked with us and gave us some excellent information. Hope the Job interview goes well!!

At the first stop, the train was overrun with food sellers, book sellers, hat sellers, you name it, they wanted to sell you it! All the while the train was getting unbearably hot, and all to the tune of Jingle bells from the kid's toys behind us. So inappropriate! The most amusing part of the journey was at another unnecessarily long stop, when some guys at the side of the track started throwing Pigeons at the train like darts. Very amusing, and with little success (i don't think they bargaioned on the pigeons ability to fly...) Once we started into the Jakarta suburbs, things took a turn for the worse. I've never seen such poverty in such a stratched out area, poeple without ANY clothes, the most basic homes imaginable. It really was shocking. The pocket of plenty(TM) was put into action and quickly ran out of funds, much to the dismay of the beggars on the train, and myself!

When we finally did get to Jakarta central, we negotiated 40000RP to one hotel, dismissed it as too expensive and then agreed on 14000 to another. The cabbie promptly got lost and, after asking directions 3 times (hilarious photo opportunities!) we finally arrived at the hotel. We gave him 14000, which he promptly complained very vocally about, and then proceeded to get averyone to try to make us pay 40000. We were having none of it, and, through a mixture of sticking to our guns and resoning with the only English speaking guy, we won out. Obviously feeling like we'd cheated the guy when we hadn't.

We booked into a different hotel in the end, as that one only had 1 bed rooms, and Bren and I aren't THAT close. We went for a desperately needed meal, which was excellent (Tandoori Chicken!) and then watched China Vs malaysia in the olympic qualifiers, which was absolute shite. man U Tottenham is on in 3 minutes, so Bren is obviously glued to the TV. Gonna join him in a sec, so i'll say goodbye. Camera fixing time tomorrow, with any luck! Oh, and Mothers day, for those of you who haven't frantically shopped for flowers...

Got our tickets to jakarta no problems, the journey takes 9 hours and costs the princely sum of 4 pounds fifty! the journey to Prambananb was interesting, the walk, that on the map should have taken 20 minutes, ended up taking over an hour in the scorching heat!! It was made a little more bearable by the friendly Indonesians who greeted us, almost cheering us on. What was slightly strange was the amount of staring going on. Girls were staring then giggling, asking how we were etc. It was like being a celebrity I tell you! I did have a brilliant empathy moment whilst walking, though. A guy was in a Suzuki shop fawning over a souped up scooter that he was dreaming of buying, and It reminded me of looking around bike shops back home! Simple things, eh?..

Once we got to the bus station, we boarded the most rickity bus i've ver been on, which required push starting and belched smoke from the engine. Not the exhaust, the engine. Encouraging! Somehow it held together and got us there in about 40 minutes, at ewhich time we were accosted by a Becak (rickshaw) rider who promised to take us to Prambanan proper of 10000RP. We haggled him down to 8000 and climbed aboard. Well, that is to say bren climbed aboard and I clung on to the side, Indonesian people simply aren't very big, and so their means of transport are a bit, well cramped for us strapping English lads! Everyone who passed us looked back, and I ended up waving like the queen, "hello", "How are you?" to "How are you sleeping, good?"...

Once we'd got there, and blaggged student discounts, the temple complex was absolutely amazing, worth every scorching bum crushing minute! It was amazing to think that over 1100 years ago these temples were built by hand, and are still impressive today! Shiva's temple, the centrepiece of the complex, was especially impressive, flanked and faced by a series of smaller temples. The sunset was amazing, and for the first time I can honestly say the photos i took do it no justice whatsoever. Breathtaking stuff. Just after the sun had set, the Muslim call to prayer echoed from all the mosques in the area, somewhat at odds with the Hindu temples we were seeing, but somwhow fitting tribute to the Indonesian religious mix.

One of the more bizarre things was that everyone there wanted to get photos with Brendan and I in. One young man took a particular shine to Bren, much to his concern. The most unsettling encounter was with two middle aged ladies, who took SEVEN photos with bren and i in. We must look like some people on Indonesian TV or something!

The trip back was much more enjoyable, as we made frineds with some Indonesian buskers who played us home in fine style. We then got the same deathbus(TM) to near our hotel, with me ending up crushed against the roof, effectively folded in half, after giving up my seat to an Indonesian lady with a plant in her hands.

We got (unfolded) off and walked up the road to a restaurent, bumping in to a charming Canadian girl we met earlier in the day. We all went for a bite to eat and had a good old chat for ages. In the internet cafe now, it's called queens and for a good reason. Only one of the "Girls" in a dress has the right to be. All is not what it seems...

Upon returning to the room, I absolutely had to have a shower as I was a smelly as a Frenchman! Showered, at which time Bren went out to get me some Sprite, as he's that kind of chap.. he came back, laughing, saying, "I got you some Sprite, you're gonna love this..." He then produced a plastic bag full of Sprite! Apparently the bottle return makes up a large amount of the profit on soft drinks, so they don't like to let them out of the shop!! So, I enjoyed my bag of Sprite whilst watching "Fever lake" the most awful film i've ever half seen. Night night!

Have added a link on the right to The onion, which is the funniest satire newspaper on this green earth. For those of you not familiar with it, read it. now. You owe it to yourselves...

Stayed in and watched Big trouble in Little China in the end. Great film, featuring some of the best one liners in the history of cinema. Went to the Kraton today, which is the Sultans palace in Yogya. Very nice, and the guide who took us round there was very knowledgeable. We're off to book our train tickets to Jakarta in a bit, then off to Prambanan for Sunset. Should be quite the sight.

As you may or may not know, we were planning to see the Orangutans at Bukit Lawang sanctuary. We've since learnt that the place has been detroyed in a flood, with terrible loss of life. You can read about it here . We're now flying into KL in about 5 days, straight from Jakarta. God rest their souls.

In a fit of drunken genius, Bren and I have come up with brilliant alteregoes to avoid being hassled by Hawkers. I'm Ted Dibiase, from Poland, and Bren is Irwin R Shyster, from Latvia. We've tried these out with pretty good success levels. Just hope no one we meet speaks Polish or Latvian. Or likes wrestling...

back out again, Bren's annoyed that Liga Inggris, or English league football, isn't on when it blatantly should have been. It follows a long line of Bren tragedies today, the best of which was him falling off th bed in spectacular fashion. he normally comes pretty close but on this occasion he overcooked it, with brilliantly funny results!!

Oh, and "Open 24 hours" in bahasa Indonesian is "Buka 24 Jam" Very amusing.

Can't believe I forgot one of the most memorable things to happen yesterday! Walking down a narrow alley called gang II, Bren and i happened across a mother daughter combo. Bren sidestepped past them, leaving me to walk imbetween them, when suddenly, they both launched in, one of them pinching my left tit and the other pinching my arm. They then proceeded to walk off laughing, leaving me to nurse my wounds with little sympathy from Bren! Random!!

Whilst eating at Superman' we had the dubious pleasure of listening to a woman creating quite the din by wailing and smacking a tambourine against her leg. She then came over and expected us to pay for this pleasure, with Bren giving her what i termed "Hush money" Thanks for that, dear, now don't do it again... Once we'd got back Nathalie and Beccie, the two girls from the bus to Yogya joined us for a beer or 3, our fourth and fifth of the evening. The bar closed at 10, leaving us to find a late bar, which was actually pretty easy now we knew our way around. We talked for ages, with me really quite pissed at this point, drinking beers 6 and 7, which were 750ml bigboys. Quite the amount of beer! A German guy called Tom, who turned out to be a volcanologist, joined us, with me going to absurd lengths to try to prove that he wasn't a volcanologist, but merely a geologist trying to get the glory of volcanoes in his life... This, surprisingly, didn't succeed, so we did what we always do in this situation, and played 21... I vaguely remember the walk home, and the mention of card games, but as soon as I got in I passed out, fully clothed, onto my bed. Bren went to see what the girls were up to, as me unconscious isn't very interesting, apparantly, and was confronted by a shouting match, which he promptly avoided. I woke up at 12 ish today, fully clothed and with lenses in, got undressed and slept until 2 ish. Happy St Patricks day....

We're seeing the Kraton, the water palace and Pramban, a hindu temple complex tomorrow, so it should be a great day. Also, Bren's camera has been resurrected, after a fashion, and the on button works every 10 attempts or so. Look for photos!!

Oh, and another thing, Bukit Lawang, the Oranutan sanctuary we were planning to visit, has been washed away by a flood, so we're flying either to Kuala Lumpur to get my camera fixed or to Singapore, then up to Kuala Lumpur.

Just remembered one of the funniest things Bren has ever done. Whilst in tenant Creek, Australia, overrun with insects. Bren spots a cricket near the phone, picks up the phone and shouts "It's for you!!!" before pummeling it into oblivion with the receiver. Absolutely hilarious

Yogyakarta, hot, noisy and full of poeple. Such are the ills of any large city, so i'll forgive it all of that! Today was spent changing rooms to one that didn't feature in room rail announcements (we were THAT close to the train station!) but did feature air conditioning! The rest of the day was spent looking for a place to repair mine and Bren's cameras. Somewhat futile in the end, but nevertheless, an adventure! One lady just ended up speaking to me in Indonesian, but eventuially we managed to piece together that it would take two weeks, which was time we didn't have.

The most heart rending thing to happen so far happened today though, when an old lady, could have been anyones Grandma, just asked for some money for food. It really hurt me to say no, so i've now decided to allocate a bit of each day's budget to allow for the truly needy. Not you Hawkers!! My favourite sighting of the day was a man on a bike being given a lift by a man on a scooter, simply by holding hands with him! Bren desciribed it as a "More gay Michael J Fox" Couldn't have put it better myself!! That was quickly followed by the funniest sight, which was the four men in the camera shop staring blankly at my camera while one of the staff members switched it on and off again. Funny stuff, wish i'd had my camera....

Anyway, just got out of a rerstaurent called "New Supermans" in whioch I expected to be served by Dean Caine. Unfortunately not to be, but the guy who did serve us was friendly enough. Off to find a reasonable bar with SOMEONE in it who doesn't want to talk about Manchester united. English football truly is a universal language, shame I don't speak it!!

happy St Patricks day everyone!! the fact that it took an Indonesian to remind us is for shame!! anyway, happy drinking, hope you've had more luck locating Guiness than we have!

Next morning we got up, not quite in time for the sunrise (sorry Henning!) and had breakfast, which consisted of a Banana pancake. We got on the bus at 8, greeted by henning, "I missed you this morning Chris!" Various excuses were made, cuminating in me being too lazy. The bus prodeeded to make the 2 KM descent in record time, using the horn instead of the brakes, all the way to the bottom. Quite eciting stuff, with the views of the mountainside farmland and plumes of volcanic steam being absolutely breathtaking!

We got to Probolinggo, said goodbye to everyone and waited for our connecting bus to Yogya. It finally arrived at 11, and turned out to be a minibus, not a coach at all! We got on board, sitting behind two girls from Yorkshire, one of whom had the rather unsettling and conversaiton halting slogan of "Put on the mask and dance for daddy" on the back of her t-shirt. now i THINK it's an Aphex twin lyric, but either way, quite unsettling.

the coach journey took a good 8 hours and, in true Indonesian style, was quite exciting. Our driver had the uncanny knack of seeing an overtaking opportunity where ther simply wasn't one, and, about halfway thorugh the journey, I almost forgot which side of the road they're actually supposed to drive on in this country!! (It's the left)

After a long, scary ass journey in which I was absolutely certain of death three times, and just mildly terrified/excitind the rest of the time, we arrived in Yogya, changing our hotel to the one the girls were staying in as it sounded much nicer. we got out, checked in, put our washing in and headed for McDonalds. I'm sorry but we hadn't eaten for 12 hours!! We then spent the rest opf the night looking for a bar that was open, giving up after about 2 hours and going to bed, with me rather annoyed at a country in whcih you can't get a beer after 10PM. There's always tomorrow!!

In Yogya at the moment, going to head back to wake Bren for Brekkie, then try to get our cameras fixed. We're going to a temple complex called Prambanan, then to see so Javanese dance and some royal palaces, so I want a decent camera!

Next morning I was up with the larks (well, damn annoying rooster anyway...) and raring to go on one of the walks. bren, true to form, wasn't having any of it so, leaving him in bed, I strode off to climb Gunung Panjakang, one of the postcard-style viewpoints of the crater and volvcanoes. Now, gunung Bromo is the active volcano in the centre of a 10KM wide crater, which we were staying on the edge of. The climb was pretty damn tough, made easier by the waves, smiles and good mornings of the local Indonesians, especially the kids!! I stopped next to one of the farms just to listen to the sounds. Dogs barking, a woman singing, kids shouting and the sound of hoes against the earth, it was all quite overwhelming.

About halfway up I met up with a German guy called Henning, who was pretty cool. We sat at the first viewpoint chatting about all sorts of stuff, before I moved on, eager to get to the crater at the top. I'd been going another 5 minutes or so when i ran into a dlight impasse, a broken down wall across the path. At this exact moment, an Indonesian man carrying his harvest in two baskets on a bamboo pole happened across me, going in the opposite direction. He greeted me, and proceeded to point up the volcano, repeatedly saying, "Kite, 20", whioch I eventually took to mean "I'll guide you to the top for 20,000 rupiah" Knowing that there was a path to the top, I politely declined and carried on. It was then that he called after me, dropping his harvest to the floor. As I turned around, I was confronted by the sight of an Indonesian man brandishing his Kuri knife at me and babbling incoherently, a sight i'll not soon forget!! Fortunately, a bit more insistant nay saying was all that was needed, and, by this time Henning had caught up. we ascended a bit more before taking some awesome pictures, and heading back down to the foothills. All in all I managed to cover 12 gruelling Kilometres in a little under 2 hours, which was pretty good going.

I got back and fell asleep for a while, then Bren and i got up and had lunch, listening to the ice cream man's tune, which was absolutely brilliant. The icecream man here is a guy on a bike with a cooler on the back, and the tune is played via megaphone on the front, and kept stoppig in the middle and restarting. Brilliant stuff! We spent the rest of the time arsing about in the room and the hotel, leading to Bren asking the question "I wonder what God's views are on people hanging themselves with Rosaries?" Taking this as a good point to get out of the room, we enquired about short walks at reception. It just so happened that there was a short walk to the lava view hotel, about 1KM away. We took our torches and headed off, getting there in short order and being rewarded with an awesome view. As luck would have it, Henning was staying at the hotel, and soon popped out to join us. Being English, we obviously had to get beers to enjoy the sunset with, leading Henning to say "Ah, the English live up to their reputation!" We ordered two large Bintangs, sat on a log and enjoyed the sunset, which was truly amazing. Now i'd like to take a moment to mention my quiet fears about the disposable camera that i'm using. I'm SO sure that the sunset and sunrise pictures i've been taking are underexposed, but there's nothing I can do about it. Very frustrating. I know that a bad workmen blames his tools, but i'm a photographer, and i'll blame this 5 pound camera as much a I like, thankyou!

We went into the Lava view lodge, ate a lovely meal, sat and talked for a while and then left, tired but satisfied, to our beds.

The protracted coach journey from Bali to Probolinggo in Java was pretty luxurious by recent transport standards. It had air conditioning and a little meal box which had water and doughnuts in it, which was nice! The only fly in the ointment were the two old ladies behind me who insited on punting me in the back at every opportunity, leading to the desire to fully recline my chair. repeatedly. Into their faces... Anyway, i managed to resist that, and, upon making it to the ferry, a crazy lady insisted on standing in front of the coach, refusing to move. Eventually, the airhorn of the coach got the better of her and she toddled off, leaving us to board.

We stopped off at the equivalent of an Indonesian little chef for food, experiencing my first squat toilets which Bren managed to avoid using. When in Rome and all that.. I couldn't help feeling for the first time since i'd left the UK that THIS was what travelling was about, not JUST squat toilets, but doing things differently. Anyway, the journey continued, with every crazy Javanese driver met with babbling from driver to Co-driver, that i assumed to mean "Thay're all out tonight.."

We arrived at Probolinggo at about 1AM, at a tourist office, the owner of which promptly sold us tickets to Gunung Bromo and to Yopgyakarta. Before we knew it we were being whisked up impossibly steep slopes in the pitch black, with the added excitement of frequent subsidence of the roadside due to the heavy rains. Jinking in and out of fallen bushes and landfalls, we finally made it to cafe lava, checked in, and fell asleep, exhausted , at 2:30...

The beard is dead, long live the chin! after cultivating a tropical neglect image, a hyperactive Indonesian lady managed to ask whether Bren and i were twins. We established that we look pretty much nothing alike, and so attributed the seeming likeness to facial hair, which is now part of the Indonesian water table.

Yesterday was a bit of a nightmare as it was tropical raining all day. this wouldn't have been too bad if we hadn't had to walk all the way to the bus company, a good 3-4KM's away. THIS wouldn't have been too bad if there had been a pavement on the way there wither. Spending an hour or so trudging through lake-sized puddles, being hassled by minicabs and the military (!) whilst narrowly avoiding beig slammed into my suicide scooter isn't much fun, let me tell you! We managed to get a half decent price for the trip we want, and, miraculously, as soon as we quoted it, our hotelier managed to knock 50% off his price to match it. I sense some ill play afoot! The walk went from bad to worse when Glastonbury poncho finally met his maker. Actually, I think he was made in Taiwan, but this is as close as he's realistically going to get. With a sigh and slute I commited his body to the bin, quietly thanking him for our moments of dryness together.

Now, getting up at 5:30 wasn't too bad, as I didn't really sleep after 12. This meant that I'd worked myself into a frenzy when Pascale knocked on the door. We walked down to the beach, meeting a few English people who were going in another boat, and who, bizarrely, thought we were Swedish from afar... must be the lack of beard! Anyway, we pushed SS seld-m-sink into the sea, which was a fine vessel indeed. Made of a single tree trunk, as wide as me (not THAT wide...) and flanked by bamboo outriggers, she was probably the least seaworthy thing i've ever been in. The icing on the cake was that it was powered by a genuine Honda lownmower engine, kicking out somewhere in the region of 5.5 horsepower. Hold on to yer hats...

The sunrise was absolutely beautiful. The green mist-covered mountains of the North Bali coastline were painted red, then orange then brilliant white as the sun rose over the island. Unsurprisingly, we didn't see any Dolphins, as it seems fate has other plans for me. We've figured out that Dolphin's and I are mutually exclusive, and that erupting Volcanoes and Bren are mutually exclusive. Should make tomorrow fun!

Also, Bren has been teaching me how to write properly, it turns out that my hand position was all wrong, with a simple change providing instant, though slight, improvement. Maybe i'll have the writing of an 8 year old when I get back. Won't that be nice!

Fact: LL cool J's real name is in fact, james Smith. Now we all know that the Ladies Love Cool James, but I think they're quite indifferent to poor James Smith. Funny old world...

Top of the morning to you! Spent last night at a cracking bar watching SWAT, which was pretty good, and drinkng beers to the strainings of a pretty good cover band. I'm convinced that the lead singers had little clue as to the meaning of the words they were singing, but they made the right noises so I was happy enough. Went to another lovely restaurent, then back to the bar (called poco bar evolution, rather brilliantly) and sank another Bintang, before going to bed, tired but happy.

Booked dolphin watching today with a not-as-pushy-as-everyone-else Indonesian called Pascale (real name unknown) getting up at 5:30, hopefully to see some adamn dolphins for once! Getting the bus to a volcano in Java tomorrow, then on to Yogyakarta, then on to a temple complex built in the 9th century. I really can't wait!

Speak soon, this internet connection, and indeed every one in Bali so far, is driving me to distraction. Of all the things I thought I'd miss from the UK, a 1 megabit broadband connection wasn't one of them! God I miss my T1...

Hello from the North coast of Bali! Spent the last day in Kuta pretty much relaxing, chilling, call it what you will. Highlight of the day was certainly the three unbelieveably attractive Indonesian girls in a Suzuki Jimny who tooted and shouted "Hi guys" at Bren and i, making us feel very special indeed. I've come to the conclusion that it is indeed a conspiracy to wear down the resolve of those of the male sex, into paying for things that should never be paid for. Between these girls, the ones in the club and the hookers on scooters late at night (very maneauverable...) it's all too easy to see how horny retards are parted with their cash for some Euro-Indonesian fusion lovin'.

Anyway, today we got the (rickety) bus to Lovina, which is really quite pretty. The journey was quite eventful, as we threaded through the traffic to the north of Kuta, including an escaped bull which jumped over a chain barrier onto the road, chased by it's owner who promptly got into his car to catch it up, and the sight of a family of four on a scooter, the mechanics of which never cease to amaze me! My favourite bits of traffic actually involved a political candidate, "number 18" who, it seems, has made a red a t-shirt available for every man woman and child in Bali, plastered nearly every available surface in posters and painted various trucks with her crazy bull logo. And then there's the flags, chanting children... I THINK she's a shoe-in to win, you know?... Bren's interests were certainly piqued when we went past a football pitch with a difference, the goals were made of bamboo, how cool is that!?

It had been raining all day so it came as no surprise when the roof sprung several leakss, one of which was directly on this poor American chap. Quick as a flash I sprung into action and Superponcho(TM) saved the day. Told you it was good, didn't I? At our first stop things got even more crowded than they were(which was pretty crowded), with the driver bringing in a plastic stool for some poor ozzie chap to sit on, leaving us with absolutely nowhere to move. I even ended up with my arm round Bren due to lack of space! The drive itself wasn't too bad, poorly surfaced roads led to a few kidney smashes, but this was a small price to pay for the scenery, smells and sounds of rural Bali. Paddyfields, temples, all accompanied by the soundtrack of rhythmical tropical rain and Buddhist chanting really couldn't be dampened by anything (even the rain...).

My favourite bit of the journey, however was yet to come. I finally saw the sign that I've been waiting for for the past 3 months: Caution: Monkeys. Those of you who knew my in England will be well aware that I absolutely adore monkeys, with the word monkey being all too frequently uttered by me during polite conversation. The look of sheer childlike joy as we rounded the hairpin, to be confronted by an entire Batallion of Monkeys, climbing, preening and generally being brilliant in the way only monkeys can be, was quite the sight to behold. They were Macaques too, which is my favourite type of monkey. I'm so happy...

Our hotel room is pretty cool too, the shower is huge and, get this, the floor is completely covered in loose flat stones, it's impossible to convey how cool it is, really. Ate another "Best meal of my life" meal for a pound (even better than yesterdays Satay!) which i'll not talk any more about. Having a lazy day tomorrow, hopefully uploading some photos, then off dolphin swimming/watching the day after in some kind of tiny wooden fishing boat, which the weather's obviously going to prohibit.

Bring it on, stormclouds, I'm waiting.

Right, new pics for Fiji! I was going to mail you more Athar, but the machine i'm on has windows 95 which takes an absolute age to look at photos on. I'll mail you when I get to a machine with 98, Me or, shudder, XP.

Yes, i know it wouldn't take very long on a mac.

Sheesh...

Last night was really rather good. Have now got things pretty much figured out. We went to a little back alley restaurent near our hotel which served us the most amazing food for a pound, with drink! While we were there we also noticed that they did cocktails and, being the conscienscious Brits that we are, we decided to have a white russian each, as they were about a pound as well. After this we ambled along the main street looking for a good bar to go to, and, sadly, nearly everywhere was deserted! We ended up at a bar that was essentially a huge ship, going upstairs to the "top deck" to witness what I can only describe as an horrendous tropical Butlins. Two Australian guys were goofing off and dancing to some poor girl and her "band's" rendition of "I want to break free" ending up in them grabbing the microphone and singing really rather badly, all to the delight of the rather "senior" crowd.

Having had anough of this, we decided to make a bee line back to the cocktail bar, with me pulling off a stunning move on the way. A cab approached us from the front, but this time I noticed that he had his hand hanging out of the window. Quick as a flash i flambouyantly held out my hand, shouted "yo", and gave him a huge drive by high five, which, according to Bren, was "exactly what the situation needed" We were both laughing for quite some time We proceeded to get hammered on long island iced teas and mai tai (my god were they strong!) and then headed back to the pub zone, which was, by now, heaving. The senior squad had gone to bed and now it was the young 'uns turn.

Bren and I immediately hit the dancefloor and rather quickly found ourselves in the middle of some kind of run DMC style dancing-encouragement ring. Must be the hip movements... Spent the next three hours dancing incessantly, most of the time was spent dancing with a trio of Swedish lesbians (seriously) which went from awesome to futile after a while (still good to look at though) later on Bren and I turned to evasion-dancing with the tinypretty locals for fear of being landed with a bill at the end (plus 3% government tax) We finally called it a night at 3, walking home along busy streets being offered all manner of things. No, my friend, I don't want a horse... decided that tomorrow (tonight) we should stay another night in our hotel, book a bus to Lovina, oh, and actually see what the dealio is with the local girls.

Everyone deserves a chance...

Have spent the day walking round Kuta, getting the lay of the land, with one girl going from "Massage?" to "Make love?" in three short steps of this bustling Bali boulevard. No thanks love, but it's nice to know I've got options...

Went and watched a surfing competition off Kuta beach, which wasn't anything special, and then visited the memorial to the victims of the Bali bombings in 2002. It was really rather moving, there's just so many names up there...

Went back to the hotel after our walk (and traditional Indonesian cuisine. Ok, McDonalds...) discovering that Bren's camera is now broken too. We're about to visit some of the most beautiful countires on the planet and all I'm armed with is a 2 pound disposable camera. At least it's got flash, eh? Went for a swim and did 35 lengths(!) Came out to town again to find tourist information and walked past the funniest sign on a nightclub, which said "Let's dancing together until drop". Maybe later.

Bought 3 PERFECT DVD rips for 3 pounds, Out of time, Love actually (had to) and school of rock. Mystic river was a bit blocky so I left it behind. Finally cracked in my Sprite resolve and bought 15 litres for 50p. Lorna, i'll see you in the Betty Ford clinic's Spriteaholics wing when I get back, ok?...

Out to some pubs tonight, should be good fun. Booking a bus to Lovina on the North coast for some Dolphin watching. Probably why the camera broke, hey fate?..

On another note, Tom Perry would be in heaven as there's so many eye wideningly pretty Oriental ladies here, I really can't count them all. I could try if you like mate, just to give you a ballpark figure...

All change! To represent how lush and green Indonesia is i've whipped out the paintbrush and had a bit of a colour change. The dulux dog is now covered in green paint, he should clearly get his hair cut so he can see where he's going!

Anyway, spent the rest of yesterday walking up the beach, going into shops, bought a travel plug for 80p, had a meal for 3 pounds (really rather tasty!), got offered "Young girls, young girls" within hours of arrival, and retired to our palatial suite for some LP reading and travel planning. we're most likely to fly from Denpasar to Yogyakarta then on to Singapore, as there's a little bit of unrest in the aceh area, which is where Medan is (the airport in Sumatra we were going to fly from.) We'd love to get the ferry from Bali to Java, we still might, but there's not all that much on the West coast of Bali or the East coast of Java. Mail me if you know any different!

First action upon entering Sydney airport was to check in my bags and then perform a wedge resection on my left big toe. This involves cutting a good portion of your toenail off in order to stop an ingrowing toenail. Quite painful, and, as ever, I had to hand my scissors in at customs... Got the flight ok (Sydney international airport is like a second home now...) watching Love actually, which I loved, actually. It wasn't JUST kiera Knightley, it was just an excellent film, and is now my favourite soppy film above Amelie, which is really saying something!

Getting into Bali was my first real cultural experience, and it was really quite amazing. Apart from the cool-as-hell visa, haggling for everything is pretty cool. the drive down to Kuta, where we're staying, was truly amazing. Tropical rain mixed with the smell of fresh friut and the sound of horses hooves on the road to really overwhelm me. I haven't stopped smiling since we got here, and that was BEFORE we got to our 6 pound a night hotel, which is some kind of Hilton rival. Truly amazing. Anyway, have to go as we have lots of explotrig to do on our Indonesian adventure.

And, yes it is an adventure, it says so on the book.

The two days in Coogee were pretty cool. Bren and I ended up at the Wizard of Oz backpackers, had a little sleep and then hit the internet cafe's. I email Iz, but got no response (had called earlier but her phone was off). We hung around for most of the day, ending up eating Domino's pizza and drinking in the coogee bay hotle. At around 9:30 Bren nearly fell unconscious whilst drinking his Carlton cold, signalling the end of his evening. He headed back while I stayed to finish my beer. Once done, I milled around a few other bars, seeing if anyone was around, but to no avail. Finally, i tried Izzy's mobile again and, after about 5 phones that didn't work worth a damn I got through and, after writing down some directions, hopped on over to Izzy's and curled up on a sofa (next to the biggest cat i'd ever seen) and watched "National Security" which was absolute tosh. Went onto the veranda for a smoke (not me you understand) and then the much waited for kiss goodnight. fantastic, and well worth the flight chopping and changing, for sure!

Next day was pretty busy, as Bren and I had all manner of things to buy before we left "Civilisation" and found ourselves in Sydney central, randomly bumping into Jana and Christina. Schon! We milled around for a bit longer before visiting subway (where have you been...) and the heading back to coogeem all the while in contact with Pete and Joe from the Kiwi experience! We ended up arranging to meet Iz at 8 at hers. this propmtly changed when Izzy turned up just before 8 at the internet cafe Bren and I were in, saying that she'd been into every internet cafe in coogee to find us, and left a note on our hostel door! needless to say, a later meeting time was suggested, which was just as well as neither Bren or I had eaten. we got some beers, drank in the hostel whilst watching "millionaire" (the guy was a complete idiot) and headed to theirs for 9, heading into the city to meet up with Pete, Joe jana and Christina bby 10. we had a cuddlesome reunion at scubar and then went on to star bar where we had a nice little chat, some pool playing and then a fairly early finale, arranging to meet up in Amsterdam and maybe at Pete's for new years, which would be pretty cool!

Anyway, tried to bus it back but there were no buses, so we cabbed back to a halfway point between izzy's and ours, walked her home, kissed goodnight and will see her in London in August. Not quite the last night of Fiji in terms of craziness, but a really nice evening. Looking forward to August...

As organised, i turned up at Aly's rather fancy hotel a little after 1PM (1:06, not bad for Fiji time...) and arranged to make a call to her room. She answered with a very convincing "Bula!" and preceeded to come down to reception and give me a hug. Jaimie, Bren and I then accompanied her to her thankfully airconditioned room and met Sam and Claire. We passed on as much knowledge as we could and convinced them to book Robinson Crusoe island for 6 days (same as tank, now he has friends!!) and then left to get a bite to eat, mentioning that happy hour was 5 til 7. In fine style they said they'd be there with bells on, and so our final night was hatched!

Once back, Tank, Alex and I went for a swim and a frolic which was pretty cool, and waited around by the pool. After a while I went in and got changed, into Brendan's hawaiian shirt, and left for the bar with Caroline and Alex. We hed, by this time, also managed to miss Ben leaving, which was really rather poor again... Upon entering the bar I was happy to find out that the pattern on the Hawaiian shirt I was wearing was the same as the uniforms the seaplane captains wear. All sorts of possibilities arose, such as the immortal "that's right baby, I can fly anywhere I want.." line. Aly Sam and Claire turned up at around 6, in time for a good hour of happy hour, and, as blokes do, I failed to successfully introduce everyone. After my oversight had been corrected, ewe all chatted away merrily until Caroline and Alex's flight was due. We exchanged email addresses and kisses and wished them well. They're going to Vegas baby!

Almost immediately there was a request for a drinking game, which was, inevitably, 21. Aly at this point got a little tipsy, and so we both went out for a breath of fresh air. It was really good to get to talk to her actually, and we caught up on lots of stuff while the little lush got her bearings back. What a star!

We carried on like this until just before closing time, with all of us quite hammered by this point. It was then (wisely) suggested that we get a bottle of vodka and some coke and go back to their (much nicer) hotel. the first "Grog" shop that we got to sold nothing but Kava. Now how's that for false advertising!!

Tank, Sam, Claire and Bren went off on an errand to find some booze, starting first off at a bar, which wouldn't sell them a bottle of anything, which was very unsporting. It was about then that a man piped up that he could take them to the black market to get some drink. Dedication to the cause took over and, via countryside drives and closed shops, they managed to turn up at the room $60 lighter and 2 bottles of coke and a bottle of vodka heavier. We all got stuck in and, before long had located some swings, a trampoline, which almost killed Bren and tank, and the swimming pool, which Bren, Tank, Sam and Claire promptly (after a little bit of persuasion for Bren) got into. Brilliant. Much drunkenness ensued and Bren, Tank and I finally crashed at theirs at about 4:30AM, absolutely knackered, with a flight to get with a start time of 6:30...

Once back on the mainland, we said our goodbyes and arranged to meet some poeple back at our hotel, which, fortunately, was a lot nicer than the last monstrosity we stayed in. We were staying wioth Caz and Alex, and Fergus was using their room as a staging area as he had to catch a plane later on. Sadly we actually managed to miss him going, which was really sad as I don't have any individual pictures of him!

Anyway, as we entered the lobby, a shout of "Chris!" was heard. We turned around and, sure enough, there was Jaimie (Tank!) We said aour hellos and advised that he go to Crusoe, and prceeded to eat, and then sit down at the bar. Usual activities when the tank is involved! We reconveined with some of the people from the island att he bar, including Mike, Ben and Matt, and proceeded to play cards and get a little tipsy. It was at this point that Tank decided that he wasn't going to put up with his non airconditioned room, and the pair of us hatched a plot to move his mattress to mine and Bren's room under cover of darkness.

The first part of the plan worked perfectly, as we moved the mattress between us, chuckle brothers style along the top corridors. It was phase two, getting it past the bar staff that was the hardest. we waited until they served a person on the inside of the bar and legged it across the pol area, arriving in a giggling mess at the Orchid room. Success!! the night pretty much wound down after then, with all of us going to bed, continuing taking with a nice Canadian girl until about 12:30.

The funniest moment was the next morning, when the cleaner opened the door, loked in at tank, and simply closed the door again, with no clue of what to do. How we laughed...

Fiji continued... Right, due to the ridiculous number of things that happened over the 4 days I'm just going to give you a best of, which is pretty good anyway. On any given day the dancing and fire show was staged, and also, the midnight and sunset bonfires with singalong. That, accompanied by coconut tree climbing and snorkeling on the reef off the island and a village visit. On the second night, we all decided to get fairly tipsy, with Rob, Rob and Alex (guys from Nottingham) leading the way. It wasn't long before midnight had crept upon us with it's usual sudden music death and slimy beach walk to the bonfire site, which was lit in the traditional Fijian way with a bottle of Paraffin. Toasty!

Anyway, we'd been there for a couple of hours chatting to Alex most of the time, Bren had gone to bed a fair while ago, when we noticed that Rob had passed out on the beach, Being the Samaritan lot that we are, fergus decided to flick some sand at his face to wake him up. With an awesome triumph of skill over judgment he hoisted a veritable mound of sand over Robs slumbering face, into his mouth, up his nose, generally into any available face-hole going. Nothing. Not even a twitch. So, another attempt was made, with the same result. Suddenly things get a bit serious, has he swallowed his tongue, is he dead?... These questions were quickly answered as Rob lurched to his feet, stood upright for all of a second and promptly staggered to his left falling flat on his face, all the while with a vacant disbelief expression on his face. His second attempt was more successful but, knowing that he had to negotiate quite a lot of near-sea beach, Alex and I decided to walk him back to his room. Along the way I did indeed end up holding his hand, which was a little strange, but we did manage to get him back. Hooray for us!

As a reward, we decided to have a lie down in a hammock on the beach, affording us a great view of the stars (not an artificial light for miles around) and me a view of a shooting star, which Alex missed.. Again.

It was all a little too romantic, so, rather brilliantly, I managed to get a snog. Pretty good day, even by tropical paradise standards.

Next day was pretty cool too, Alex an I went for a paddle in the pool, which was now full, and then had another lie down in a hammock, with me alternating gaze between the beautiful-postcard-view and the fantastic calendar-girl-view of Alex in Bikini. Yowser...

The activity for the day was to go on a visit to the local school and village, an opportunity that I was really excited about! I donated my $10 to the school (they'll have flushing toilets by the end of the year, which is pretty cool) and hopped into the boat, which made its merry way down the river to the school, past the red "School bus" boat. Interestingly, if the kids miss the bus, they have plastic bags which they put their books and shoes into, strip down and swim all the way to school down the river. It's not a short distance either, really makes you appreciate how lucky you are to come from a highly developed country. Anyway, the school was the first stop, where we toured each class who gave us a song and a dance, with the most memorable being the 6 year olds doing the Fijian Haka, so much noise from such little mouths!



All the classes were excellent, but one little guy, who looked like a tiny Martin Lawrence, was such a smooth mover that Fergus summed all our thoughts up when he gave him a high five as we left. Future ladykiller, that one!




From here we walked on to the village, where we were greeted with floral garlands round our necks, took our shoes off and prepared for the Kava ceremony and concert. Now, the Kava on the island was fairly objectionable, but the stuff in the village was absolutely ridiculous, both in strength and quantity. We got through 4 entire bowls by the end of the ceremony, leaving me feeling quite numb in a number of places.

The high/lowlight of the visit was the dancing, in which the men of our group had to pick a different woman to dance with, for what must have been 100 different dances (kidding, but it did seem that long after a while) The girls were chosen by a different village man each time too, which was all pretty funny stuff. That was until one of the women, old enough to be my gran simply put grabbed my ass for the entire duration of the song. Unsettling.

Halfway through the dancing, one of the ladies decided to pile talc on all our faces, which apparently means that we were favoured. I felt pretty favoured whilst blinded from facial talc abuse, I can assure you..

We said our goodbyes and thanks, with me coming up with "Thankyou for welcoming us to your lovely village and your lovely country" which seemed to go down well. Once again, Fergus's heartfelt love of the country made itself felt in a truly heartwarming speech which was applauded at the end. Quite the guy!

The night was slightly different to the last as a new group had arrived, Rob, Rob and Alex had gone, and four other lads had arrived, along with a charming drink-inclined San Franciscan called Becky, who was great fun. As befits a new group of drinking buddies, we started on the drinking games, which culminated in ring of fire, getting us all spectacularly drunk as the photo's clearly testify.



Two of my favourite drinking games that becky introduced us to were the cup game, where you have to keep a rhythm going and pass the cup to the person on your right via an elaborate series of cup moves and claps, and the "Odds and evens" game. On the first, I managed to cut my hand a few times on the stupid metal cups, as I wasn't much cop at it (kept on handing Bren the cup the wrong way up) Even more fun than this was the odds evens game, which involved rock paper scissors style hand movements, but just with a fist for odd and a finger for evens, with the loser taking a nice deep drink. You choose whether you're odd or even (two player game) and then one, two, three go! Rather brilliantly I managed to figure becky out and managed 13 consecutive victories to crippling laughter. Brilliant.

Last day was a fairly laid back affair, I obviously had my first beer at 12:03, just past the self implemented 12 o clock drinking amnesty. Got slowly drunk for the rest of the day, and then went sunset sea kayaking. Initially I was chosen as the photographer, as my photo of Ziggy firedancing and sunset pics were now legendary among the islanders. I took a few good shots of the kayaks against the sun with Becky's camera, but then had a sudden urge to kayak as they were disappearing into the distance. I commandeered one of the staff's kayaks, whipped off my shirt, lobbed the camera to Bren and paddled furiously to catch the others up. I finally got there and enjoyed a really beautiful sunset, accompanied by kayak borne aqua-horseplay, which was pretty cool. On the way back, Becky and I were lucky enough to have flying fish around our kayaks, which was a really awesome as they skipped along the surface of the water. Beautiful, I'm so glad I went!!



The night was spent playing 21, buying a white Russian ($11) on our newly attained tab, which had a very generous amount of vodka in it and dancing the night away.



We also had a round of island games which was actually too funny for words. The game we played was called, rather imaginatively, "Hit the ball with the swinging coconut" and involved swinging a coconut on a string between your legs to hit a football along the sand. There were four teams involved, with my team being the most skillful, bar me that is. We got to the final and managed to defeat the other team, in spite of my efforts, which included actually hitting the ball backwards and hitting the ball over to the other team's side. Our reward was a free beer, which we had to down, obviously, and then, out of nowhere we were challenged by the staff...

Fergus presided over the event, doing a brilliant job and disqualifying the staff team for cheating, which they blatantly did, gifting us the win. Not one to leave the crowd in hanging on, he then decided that I, the worst player on our team by far, should be pitted against the roly-poly giggler himself, Tequila, in an island grudge match. Let the coconut swinging commence!

What followed was, apparantly, incredibly funny. I couldn't see as my face was contorted with complete concentration, interspersed with crying laughter. Sadly I managed to lose by about 6 inches, but, as they say, it isn't the winning, it's the taking part. And the free beer and shell necklace, of course.



Alex went to bed a little early, as did Bren, and so, when I stumbled back without company, I had the urge to hammock and stargaze. Entering the dorm I struggled to find my insect spray, fortunately bumping into Alex who lent me some of hers, whilst standing in tinypants(TM) being gawped at by all comers. Cheers m'dears! Al repellented up, I swayed over to the hammock and clambered in, rewarded with a beautiful crystal clear starfield.

Suddenly I was awake, my face in the sand with glasses nowhere to be seen. It was 4:59 and I'd managed to fall out of a hammock face-first into the sand. I looked for my glasses to no avail, wandered off to get an oil lamp and came back, accompanied by the security guard, and found my glasses, stumbling into bed covered in sand. Brilliant fun, which had to be done!

We left at 11AM the following day, with everyone saying their emotional goodbyes, especially Fergus, who cried on the boat back, to the tune of Bula malaya, their farewell song.



All in all, an absolutely amazing time spent in an amazing place with some amazing people. I'll not forget it as long as I live.

In a non-poingant ending to this post, here is what passes for a bus stop in Fiji...

fantastic! Arrived in Sydney with only minor ill effects (left charger and batteries in Fiji with jaimie). Last night was absolutely fantastic and bizzarre, involving Alysia and her two friends Sam and Claire, a swing, a trampoline, the black market and a strange sleeping arrangement. I'll tell you all about it once i've had a bit of a kip, we're in Coogee at the moment, going to check into the wizard of Oz backpackers as soon as they open (5PM) On a plus note, I now officially have an awesome tan.

Off to bed...

In Nadi international airport after a crazy last night, haven't slept in any meaningful way. made it here by rocket cab and the skin of our teeth. The Swedish womens volleyball team are also here. Honest to god.

Bren said it best: "Somebody should probably help me."

See you in Sydney

Bula everybody! Just got back from Robinson Crusoe island, which, i'm sorry to say, was absolute tropical paradise. Sunshine every day, beautiful beaches, gorgeous sunsets and great company.

The first day was pretty cool. We were taken down a river estuary in a small aluminium boat out to the island, which is probably a mile or so off shore. i made the comment that it was "Nothing like jet boating down the Buller river" which somehow the boat master heard, and whacked the throttle to the stop, which was really rather funny.



We were greeted by the staff singing a welcoming song on the shore, accompanied by guitars and ukelalie's, all dressed in sarongs and singing quite beautifully. We sat down to lunch and realised that Caroline and Alex, the two sisters from Queenstown, were sitting at the table next to us, quite easy to spot as there were at this time, only 11 guests on the island! We ate lunch, meeted and greeted and just sat around, talking and drinking, enjoying a coconut demonstration from Ziggy, which included how to husk a coconut with a spike and with your teeth(!) and then how to get the flesh and milk out, which tasted pretty good in the summer sun. Next up was the Kava ceremony, ion which the Fijians welcome the new guests by offering them Kava, which is powdered pepper root in water, and accept them as islanders. Now there are a lot of rumours about Kava, that it's hullucinagenic etc, but really all it does is make your tongue go slightly numb, and taste a little like slightly minty ditch water.




After this we did what any group of Brits would do, and we started drinking beers right after dinner, which was a really tasty meal cooked in a Lovo, which is like a hangi but without the hole being dug. lazy Fijians... the first thing we were told when we got on the island was the concept of "Fiji time" which fitted right into the lifestyle on the island. It's essentially the fact that everything can wait, and that 1PM realstically means "Sometime today".



After a bit of boozing, we all went to the beach for a sunset bonfire, whith me getting one of the best shots of the holiday of the fire and the sunset.



This gave way to another brilliant photo of the moon, which was unbeliveably bright, shining through the palm trees. We all retired to the covered benches and the staff performed a number of dances, including the knife dance, which was a little scary at times due to the number of mistakes made and the proximity of the performers. the funniest moment was during one of the group dances, in which someone threw a basket ball at one of the seated performers, who promptly caught it and threw it back, carrying on in a brilliantly profesional way, with the entire audience pissing ourselves with laughter.

The final number was the fire dancing, which was absolutely awesome. Ziggy, the leader of the group, pulled off some amazing moves, with his special move being to put the firestick on the soles of his feet, clearly branding them, and then flick it up and carry on as if nothing had happened. Hard, hard man.



The last event of the night was the pirates nightclub, which is essentially a little hut with two massive speakers and a few lights in it. Great fun, and Stephanie, the german girl, decided to reward Ziggy for his performance, with some jiggy. Atta girl!

Sleep was interesting though. A massive 30 odd bed dormwith no airconditioning was rnough to get used to, without the bastard cat decifding to come in and pay me a visit. I should have taken a leaf out of Brendans book, when the Cat tried to jump on his bed he promptly backhanded it away. Anywaty, suffice it to say i was chosen as the target, which I promptly regretted as the cat started to mewl to be let out as it couldn't figure out how to open the door the other way. I let it out and went back to sleep, only to be woken up at 3AM by the damn thing mewling away next to my bed desperate to be let out again. I promptly turned around and punted the beer bottle with the mozzie coil on it across the dorm, causing the mozzie coil to shatter into many tiny useless pieces. Thin ice, cat, thin ice...

I'm gonna finish this up tomorrow as i've got to meet Alysia at her hotel in a little bit. speak later!