Ronking round the world

Can't be bothered to blog at the moment, will tidy up the last few posts in a day or two. Needless to say we took it easy, watched Jackass again, had a bit to eat and then hit the hay.

Went to the hospital today to get a prescription for Mefloquine for Bren, but the doctor said not to bother as it's not that effective. Interesting, we'll see how Bren feels about it! The hospital visit did, however, provide an incrediably amusingf picture of Bren with a thermometer in his mouth and a CV cuff round his arm, sporting a look of utter dispair! Saw Starsky and Hutch today, which was just as brilliant as I'd hoped it would be. One for the DVD wish list that. Hope they have it for a quid in Hanoi... Off to Ayuthaya to pick up Bren's little black book, then on to Chiang Mai on a sleeper (again) and then into Laos. Hooray!!

Craziness! Flushed with the success of jewelry design, Bren and I went out for dinner and beer, sitting down in front of Pulp Fiction, which we watched whilst scarfing food and supping beers. We had 2 large beers, then moved on to an "Irish" pub in which we proceeded to drink heineken and White Russians for England, before having a brilliant chat and, then meeting "The Americans..." This is where things went downhill. We ended up taking a cab to a second venue, in which all manner of insanity took place, the details of which are available on an individual basis Via email, with the title of "Balloon bursting" Anyway, we ended up in a cab back to the Khao San road with the Americans and Kerro, one of the barmaids from the club, who brilliantly had the word "danger" tattooed on her upper thigh. Bren managed to find some people playing football, and proceeded to play until 6AM, coming in absolutely dripping with sweat!

This morning was spent feeling awful, then finally getting out of bed at 2PM, hopping into a cab that took us to the British Embassy instead of the Vietnamese one, meaning a bastard-long walk in the hot sun. We picked up our passports, went to Subway and enjoyed infinite Sprite and a footlong each. Got a cab back and fell into a fitful sleep, with me waking up and coming here, leaving Bren asleep. I'll wake him up at about 10:30 for some food, then it's on to Chiang Mai (again) after going to the hospital to get Bren's Malaria medicine. Now, to find out what hospital is in Thai...

Eu-bloody-reka! After nearly 6 months of searching, including a number "Not quite right's" and "Do you have that in Jade"s? I've finally got a piece of Jade that is actually quite nice. Bren and I spent about 3 hours being directed from shop to shop, then back to that other shop that we'd already been to, when, finally, we arrived at a specialist Gem cutters. This was on the back of my favourite shop, which, upon not having any Jade, tried to sell me some uncut polished emeralds for 50000 Baht (700 pounds!!) The most frustrating part of the day was not being allowed into some of the shops unless you looked like you drove a car hewn of solid gold and owned several Pacific islands...

The place, called Lambert Holdings LTD, is run by a supercool American Ex Lawyer, who showed me what he had available. None of it was quite right, and so, taking two pieces of the Jade he had, I got the right shade, the right size and then actually designed the piece myself, which is really rather cool! He'll have it ready in a couple of weeks which is just fine as Bren and I will be back this way in 3 weeks time. Hope you like it Ma!!

So, if anyone's looking for some jewelry to be made, and you have a couple of weeks spare, give them a shout, they're on 807 Thanon Silom, on the 4th floor. Tell 'em Chris Ronketti sent you and you'll be fine... He was especially impressed when I mentioned the Goldsmiths. Thanks for the birthright dad!

Anyway, we neglected to pick up our passports, what with the level of busyness of today, meaning that tomorrow is fairly packed. We have to get them, get some Prophylaxis that Bren can actually stomach and then get ourselves on a train/coach to Chiang Mai in time for tomorrow.

Should be good fun, as we're now a lot less pressed for time. Also,my friend at home, Jamie Bolden, has been given the nickname J-Bo by a sleep-deprived Bren. I reckon it should stick, with an "I'm still Jamie from the block" slant on his electoral campaign getting him the grass-roots vote. What do you think J-Bo? Is that cool?...

Bollocks. The only word that I can use to sum up yesterday. It seems that, despite the fact that it says on the wall in the Vietnam embassy, that a multiple entry visa costs 1700 Baht, the, I'm sorry, TOTAL BITCH behind the counter told us it was 5000, 72 quid, thus scuppering our plans to go to China. I don't know whether she got dumped that day or whether she's just a hateful person, but I now despise embassy staff with all of my being....

I spent the rest of the day mighty pissed off and tired, after being made to wait until after lunch (2PM) to get our single entry visia (2500, 100 on the wall...), as we showed up 5 minutes after 11:30 with our money. Once again, embassy staff... Obviously, despite the "No China" issue, I've decided to continue with my travels, thankfully saving some cash (trip to China was going to be about 200 quid) to spend on my poorly bike when I get back. Currently half-watching "Torque" which seems like a bit of fun, but with the odd glaring flaw. Might buy it for "shits and giggles" if I can find it for a quid...

"You shouldn't pick on girls" apparently...

Paid up, got back, passed out. Woke up at 10PM, ate, watched Jackass, then slept, waking up at 11 thoroughly refreshed. We're now continuing Gemquest(TM) the search for some Jade, which involves us going all over the shop as Thanon Khao Sarn, the road we're staying on, only sells silver and "Gems" which are indeed made of plastic.

Hooray, back in Bangkok! Took a while but we've managed to find a hotel with a vacant airconditioned twin room. Only problem is that we can't check in til 9, and the Vietnamese embassy opens at half nine. This normally wouldn't be a problem but I haven't slept a wink at all on the coach.

Brilliantly, I was picoseconds from falling asleep at about 2, when suddenly, Brens right arm flinched, whapping me in the face with his tasteful tartan blankie, and waking me up to the muttered groan of "Bastard" from me...

headiong off to the embassy in an hour or so, then checking in for some R&R, followed by a meal of some kind, then maybe booze and a mmmovie. Hooray!!

had a shower now so feel much refreshed. Also tried out my tripod and it's brilliant, weighs 650 grammes as well...

In other news, it appears someone has relieved themselves on the mat outside our room...

"Forward planning". Two beautiful little words that make peoples lives so much easier. So, we can't get a multiple entry Visa for Vietnam in Chiang Mai. Pants. We now have to travel back to Bangkok, hand our passports over to the Vietnamese embassy, twiddle our thumbs for 3 days, then get back on the bus to Chiang Mai for a well deserved trip down the Mekong river through Laos.

You may have noticed the phrase "Multiple entry" up there in yonder paragraph. That is because the secret "plan" that Bren and I have is to see the great wall of China, before it disappears for good (two thirds of it have already crumbled away, egads!) That's right boys and girls, I'm going to Beijing! Seeing the Terracotta army too, while I'm there, and possibly getting my ass kicked in a carefully choreographed Kung Fu fight with, I don't know, an 8 year old... Well I have to see if the years of training have been worth it! So anyway, sleeper train to Beijing from Hanoi, then back, then 10 days in Vietnam, then 4 days in Cambodia, then back to Bangkok, then home, Packed itinery but that's the way I like it! There's plenty of time to sleep when I'm dead. Or on the train.

In other news, I narrowly missed being run over today, and I also managed to buy a camera tripod for 8 quid, so things are looking up, in a steady, tripod-mounted fashion. It even has a spirit level and can take portrait shots. Magic! Sitting here supping on my big Gulp Sprite (about the size of a small car's fuel tank), waiting for the 7PM coach to Bangkok, where, hopefully, the Vietnam embassy could just make my day! Chinese Visa is a walk in the park comparatively, as is the Cambodian one, so we won't get caught out like this again.

Anyway, that's all from me, am extremely excited about the great wall, moderately excited about the Mekong trip and awesomely excited to be alive.

"Just because I rock, doesn't mean I'm made of stone..."

In Chiang mai after a trip on a sleper that involved anything but! The train, when it did turn up , was a little over an hour late. We boarded, veterans at the sleeper train thing, clambered into bed and read our respective books. I had the feeling that the train wasn't moving quite as much as it should, and, sure enough, we were 2 hours behind schedule when they woke us up at an unreasonable 6AM. Finished Bren's book, which was really rather good, and figured out where we were going to stay.

Got here, Tuk Tuk'd to "Eagle House 2" the summer home of some well-to-do bird of prey, and fell asleep til 4. Ate a wonderful meal, discussed Bren's Doxycline induced nausea (we can't find an alternative at the moment) and looked into trips to laos incorporating a Vietnamese Visa if possible.

Leaving things til the last minute does seem to have the odd pitfall. Who knew?

What a lot of Wats! Have returned exhausted from our temple visiting regime, which was really rather excellent! The cabbie came and collected us at 2, as we arranged, getting off to a good start when the car would barely turn over due to a flat battery. He got it going in the end, and took us first to Wat Phanan Choeng, which had an enormous golden Buddha which people were giving offerings to. I stood close to it, just behind the row of people, when a Monk walked past and blessed me with some holy water splashed from some branches in his hand! We walked around for a bit, admiring all the Buddha images, made a donation and carried on to the next Wat.

This one is fairly famous, as it features a reclining Buddha, quite a rare position for a Buddha statue. Yan Chaya Mangkol, as it was called (!) was lovely as well, with scenic gardens, a large temple in the centre, surrounded by spires, and, this time, a monk and an apprentice walking around the grounds together. The reclining Buddha was also excellent, about 25 metres top to toes, and clothed in a huge orange-silk robe.

It was about this time that we changed from car to Tuk Tuk, as it was getting harder and harder to start. As an accompaniment for this, it was decided by some higher force that, seeing as we were now in an open-air vehicle, that it would rain. Hard. We pressed on, on to Phra Mangkon Bophit, which was one of my favourites due to it having been left in the condition the Burmese left it after the sacking of Ayuthaya. It really gave a sense of history to the place, and you could imagine what it must have been like in the immediate aftermath of the attack! Also, due to the noises of exotic birds, dense tree cover and the state of the ruins, it made me feel like I was in an Indiana Jones movie... We headed form here to the train station to book our night train, and were rewarded with snippets of an 8 girl WWE match from Monday night RAW. Lita ended up winning (I feel so sad for knowing their names) but, obviously, the star of the show was Stacy Kiebler, with her fantastic bum. I reckon Trish Stratus would have won if Lita hadn't cheated though. I digress, we then went on to my absolute favourite, Wat Mahathat, which was another little restored complex. It had Prangs, spires and loads of delapidated Buddha figures, but best of all it was huge! You could walk around the whole thing surveying the ruins, really getting a feel for how it must have been 600 years ago, with the monks walking round, performing their daily rituals, the same as today.

The final stop was the monument to one of the Burmese kings, a huge statue of him on horseback and an even bigger temple beyond it. Brilliant white, with 50 or so steps leading to the prayer chamber, topped with a huge spire with golden Buddha's and a golden tip. Time hadn't been as kind to the structural integrity of this temple, and the top 20 metres or so, the spire and support, had sunk rather alarmingly to the right. We climbed the stairs, paid our entry fee, took the torch given to us, bought some incense and made our way into the chamber. The tunnel leading into it was absolutely tiny, and pitch black. Clearly not designed for Westerners. We got to the chamber, about 4 metres square with a Buddha image in the corner, and had a look around. I made some offerings of incense to Buddha, asking him to look out for my loved ones, did the little hands together motion (Wai) and left to enjoy the breeze. We descended the steps, watched the sun set, taking a few average pictures, and headed homewards, stopping for a picture of the monument and temple across the lake against the backdrop of a rapidly setting sun.

A really enjoyable, but tiring, day, owing somewhat to the fact that I didn't sleep until 6:30 this morning! Don't ask me why, just couldn't! Getting the 9PM night train to Chiang Mai, arriving at 9AM tomorrow. Relaxing there for 2 days then rushing to Vientaine to sort out our Visa's for Vietnam.

I sit before you battered and bloodied. My assailant made off with 40 Baht and most of my hair. That's right kids, I've had a haircut... Bren and I decided to have a wander for him to get his beard trimmed and me to get my ears lowered, and so we found a place directly above an opticians, with the first place we found being one of those "It's full of women, is it a unisex place or a woman's only place? Oh God, they're staring at us, Bren, let's run away!" types of places. Anyway, the guy cutting my hair moved in a slow deliberate way, gesturing to my hair with a pair of clippers. "Number 2 please!" I quipped, nonchalantly...

"Ow" he said (Thai for yes) and proceeded to shave off ALL the hair on the left hand side of my face in a single sweep. Shocked, I touched the now barren patch and sighed. This was going to be a long haircut. He proceeded to make me more bald, exposing the bright red birthmark on the back of my head for the first time in years (thanks mate...), and then, for the final cut, he went for the cutthroat. Not crediting him with an iota of skill, I said "Mai Ow!" which means "No!". I didn't know the Thai for "Oh God no!" so that had to suffice. He then proceeded to take off the bib thing, after having not touched the top of my hair, the bit I wanted cutting., I gestured for him to do so (I was in all the way already) and he slowly lowered the chair into a dentist style position and then hacked arbitrarily at my head, managing to lance the top of my skull with the scissors. He then slowly moved the scissors towards my nostrils, only to be greeted with another desperate "Mai ow!" from a clearly distressed me.

His coup de grace was to place a wet towel on my forehead, place his palms together and then bring them down onto my head with considerable force in a Mr Miyagi style, giving me what I can only term as a mild concussion. I stood up, dazed, gave him 40 Baht, and staggered off with a similarly distressed Bren, who'd had his face, forehead and eyelids shaved. What is wrong with this country?!!

What a day! Bangkok traffic is bad at the best of times, and so, it was no surprise that with a desperate deadline, it turned into a huge immobile carpark, much to the annoyance of our insane cabbie friend. His insanity was determined when he wouldn't stop singing, repeatedly revved his engine at a standstill, touched my knee in a worryingly famailiar way, and generally drove like like the hounds of Hades were attached to the rear bumper... Anyway, the reason for our deadline is that we found out last night that Vietnamese Visa's take 5 working days. So, we decided to get to the embassy sharpish, via insane-o-cab, which drove us directly to the doors, leading Bren and I to instantly think we were going to be shot. We weren't, fortunately, but, almost as bad, we learned the truth that I will impart to you now: EVERY EMBASSY IN THE WORLD CLOSES FOR TWO HOURS BETWEEN 11:30 AND 13:30. This is a rather frustrating fact, all the more frustrating given that we had a 14:50 train to catch from a station at least an hour away. Can you see the problem here?

Anyway, we got in, after a lunch with Coffee that tasted like ash and dirt in warm water with spit on it (Blackadder goes forth) and ascertained that we'd have to get our visa in Vientaine, the capital of Laos. Armed with this information, we shot out the door, got the first (non-insane) cab we could to Khao San, sprinted down to our hotel, got our bags, our tickets and hailed a Tuk Tuk to take us to the train, which we wer now informed left at 14:30. Thanks for that, you amiable yet useless tour people. It is physically impossible to get angry at amiable people, which, in itself, got me angry, sadly in a completely directionless way. Anyway, we caned it along the road in our little Tuk Tuk, which leant heavily into corners leading to me hanging halfway out of it to balance it out. It was like riding sidecar, but with a bit more traffic! We arrived at the station at 14:35, sadly missing the train, but fortunately able to transfer our tickets to the next one, at 16:10. Got Sprite, water, and waited for our (un airconditioned) train.

We boarded, stowed luggage and began reading our respective books. bren and I have performed a bookswap now, with me reading some Violent Scottish take on "The Bill" (Low rate police drama for those hailing from somewhere outside of England) and Bren reading Cuba Libre, which is really rather good. Fortunately I took the time to look upo from my book to see the countryside rolling by. Thailand was going all out to wow me, and it was doing really well. The slums of Bangkok giving way to a stream of postcard-perfect pictures in the evening half light. It was a similar story looking out behind me, as the blood red sun reflected and glinted off the waters of the trackside paddyfields. Absolutely beautiful.

Speaking of Bangkok slums, a huge fire broke out today, just South of where we're staying, claiming 3000 people's homes. Didn't see any of it, which makes me feel really rather ignorant!!

Ayuthaya itself is going to be amazing. I've seen the various Prangs (pointed towers) of the 30 or so temples in the area, and we're going on a tour of the 8 famous ones tomorrow. Ayuthaya is a UNESCO heritage site, and the whole town in essentially a National Park. It used to be the capital of the old Khmer kingdom until the 17th century, housing over a million people. No mean feat for that day and age!

Off to Chiang Mai on the night train tomorrow (cue Guns and Roses) for some Thai culture, which I'm looking forward to. We've already got our Loas Visa's so, in three days time, we cross the border into a new country with a new, and almost indecipherable, language. Game on.

Editors note: I have now added 5 videos of the illustrious adventures of Bren and I. The blue mountains, in Oz, Bren flaming a cockroach in Phuket, Huka falls in NZ, An otter recycling in Kho Samui, and a beautiful glacial lake near Wanaka, with Pete swearing at the end. Honestly Pete...

Exciting! Went out for a few beers and a movie, which turned out to be The Last Samurai. Oh, and a lot of beers rather than a few as they were doing a "special" buy three get one free deal. So, after watching the film, getting annoyed with the arsehole sitting behind us, we went back to the room for a blast of A/C and a blast of Vodka, we went out in search of lively drinking establishments. Our first attempt landed us in what I can only describe as a kiosk, called "immortal" in which one girl was dancing with everyone else watching it would appear. We then went on to a promising looking place called "Lava" which looked like a club from the outside but was in fact another bar. The only person dancing was an incredibly saucy girl to my left whom everyone was staring at. With the vodka kicking in and the beers still flowing we decided not to let this stop us and proceeded to dance all the way around the bar, triggering off quite a few other people that were clearly itching to dance. I performed what Bren has termed my "Gravity defying dance" which, apparently, the ladies get a real kick out of.

This is where things get a little hazy. I apparently started dancing with some girl from Guernsey which sparked off some kind of conversation with her, Bren and I and her mate. This continued for a bit, and at some point a Thai girl caressed Bren's beard and asked him to join her at her table. We left shortly afterwards (the place closed) with an upset Thai girl in our wake and two Guernsey girls in tow. We chatted outside for a bit and then parted company, with Bren and I becoming ravenously hungry all of a sudden. I got noodles from a street vendor and Bren got an entire fish, complete with mad staring eyes. It was absolutely delicious actually, with Bren going back to get more, only to discover that the vendor had gone! Curses! Not suffering any ill effects, and the whole thing cost, like 30p or something.

Today was obviously a late start, with the hotelliers slamming on the door to ascertain whether we were staying or not. Bren opened the door to gift them the sight of me semi-conscious, upside down with my legs in the air. In pants. In my sleep sheet though, so they didn't see anything. We got up, breakfasted, and then went to MBK to see Starsky & Hutch and change over our t-shirts which were too big. We accomplished 50% of our mission, as Starsky and Hutch isn't out here until the 30th, but we did see Hellboy which I really enjoyed. The strangest part of the day was when, at the beginning of the film, there was a 3 minute slideshow about the King of Thailand, precursored with "Please pay your respects for the king of Thailand". Everyone in the cinema stood up for it, something I thought was excellent! We ate at a Chinese restaurant, with Bren using chopsticks for the first time, with an impressive level of skill. Bren being Bren, he soon got bored and tucked in with the provided Spoon and Fork. I, however, persevered and was treated to a round of applause when I finally finished my meal.

Thankyou. Thankyou all so much! I'd like to thank my manager, and my trainer, who believed in me every step of the way...

Walked around, bought two belts which are really nice (I only own a single belt) looked for Jade, finding a really lovely piece that was 7000 Baht (100 pounds...) reduced from 8000 baht (Come on now, I mean, it's nice and all but, seriously...) Going to have to go a bit farther afield me thinks. Should probably have bought it in NZ but I couldn't find quite what I was looking for. I'm sure I'll know it when I find it. Going out for a beer and a movie, just one beer though, and not the last Samurai. The cab home was interesting, as it broke down about 200 metres from the taxi rank. I claimed to have broken it with my mind by accident. Walked back to the rank and got into another cab, which promptly missed slamming into an A-Class Merc by about a foot.

Also, Thailand is NOT the DVD mecca I thought it would be, as you can't check the quality and they're 100 Baht. Holding high hopes for either Laos or, more likely, Vietnam. So, if you're after DVD's and you're in the neighbourhood, head to Penang in Malaysia. Top notch!

In other news, Bren and I are now past masters in the art of idle banter. I can't remember the last time that I called him Bren, and he's managed to give me the nickname "Sweatpatch" courtesy of my non-jesus love sweating in Kho Samui. This culminated in me threatening to "Fart on things that he liked" which led to him telling me a story in which he annoyed his brother Shaun so much that he urinated on his bed in revenge. Not someone to be messed with it would appear...

Have just spellchecked this post and it came up with "Hitlerism" for "Hotelliers". Brilliant!

Spent last night watching some film with Angelina Jolie and Clive Owen, something to do with aid workers, and drinking beers. Avoided the ping pong show, fortunately, and got some much needed sleep.

Today's been really quite productive, have managed to get a CD burnt of my photos from Oz and South East Asia, managed to put our passports in for our Laos Visa's and have purchsed no less than 10 flags each to sew onto our bags. Should show who paid attention in sewing class...

Once we've got our passports back we'll hit the town, in the face if necessary, and have bit of a boogie, probably leaving for Ayuthaya tomorrow.

In other news, I have managed to sweat a perfect heart on the back of my T-Shirt, photographic evidence available shortly.



Looking forward to sweating a perfect replica of Jesus Christ's face in the near future...

In bustling Bangkok! The train journey was actually really cool, as we had a sleeper. My very own bed on a train, felt a lot like being aboard a second world war submarine though... Managed to get quite a lot of sleep until I was woken up by the staff. We'd reached rural Bangkok, which looks startlingly like rural Jakarta... This theme sadly continued to the Favella style shacks on the outskirts of town. This time, however, quite a few of them were on stilts jutting out of the water, which made them look at least a bit more hospitable.

In an internet cafe now after having got the bus to our hostel (hopefully, it hasn't got any twin rooms free yet...) The bus was quite interesting as it started to move off before I'd actually got anywhere near it. Bren was already aboard and so I had to board a moving bus with my heavy-ass rucksack, made it on only to have my rucksack shut in the doors! An auspicious beginning to my travels in Bangkok! Bren probably want some sleep when we check in, as he didn't sleep well on the train, despite his amazing slumber powers. Have a fairly busy schedule what with applying for Visa's and buying DVD's/sightseeing. Looking forward to the next few days!

Managed to get the ferry to Surat Thani with about 5 minutes to spare, as is customary with Bren and I. Spent the most part of the 3 hour journey on deck in the blazing sunshine, getting tanned, sweating lots and reading my book, which is getting really interesting now! It all got too much after a while and we retreated to the airconditioned interior for a bit of respite. And for me to slam my head against the TV of course...

Waiting at a cafe opposite the train station now for the train, about 2 hours to go. Will look for a place to stay in Bangkok whilst on the way, as, obviously, nothing can be planned in advance.

Just surfing for the moment, waiting for the train. the poeple here are very friendly, with one of them having an unhealthy obsession with Land Rovers. Joe, you'd be proud of this guy!!

"This is the worst part, the calm before the battle..."
"And then the battle's not so bad?"
"Oh god, I forgot about the battle..."

Hooray! The perfect end to a brilliant day. Against all the odds, Valentino Rossi, AKA my idol, managed to win his first race on the Yamaha M1 against Max Biaggi, clearly on a better bike. The poor bugger broke down in tears at the end and kissed his bike, what a star! Anyway, we got an early night after that, with me reading my book and failing to go to sleep until 4AM, due, in part, to the raucous cabaret show taking place beneath us..

Today's been a little more productive, we're booked on the ferry off the island at 1:30 and then on a train to Bangkok at 8PM in order to save money on a nights accommodation. We arrive in Bangkok at 8AM tomorrow, hopefully bright and refreshed... Have got most of the remainder of our time in Thailand planned out, hopefully incorporating some elephant action of some description. Will be in Laos in exactly one weeks time, then on through to Vietnam a few days later.

Should be really good as we're taking a tour through the tunnels that the Viet Kong used against the Americans during the Vietnam war. Should be very educational and probably quite moving. Speaking of that, we're missing out on the bridge over the river Kwai, the signature piece of the infamous "Death railway" due to time restrictions. It's a shame but I'll pay my respects from a distance.

Ended up eating an entire sea bass for 2.50, with Lime and Chilli sauce. The first bite tasted amazing, but the rest of the meal was an exercise in managing not to cry. They really meant it when they added the chilli... Anyway, we ended up meeting Stalker girls sister on a scooter, with a black dog called Ninja as her passenger, it was soo cute!! The match ended up being somewhat of a disappointment, so Bren and I ended up going to a bar to watch Pirates of the Caribbean, which was excellent.

Today's been brilliant too, with Bren and I going to the Zoo and Aquarium. We watched an excellent bird show with a mathematical parrot and some hat-stealing eagles, topped off by the parrots that mugged audience members for 100 Baht notes. The most elaborate mugging I've ever seen!



Next up were the recycling Otters, who took empty bottles from the audience and put them in bins. Brilliantly cool!



The highlight of the show, however, were the five Royal Bengal Tigers, who were absolutely massive. They climbed tightropes, jumped through flaming hoops and looked generally mean and massive, just like Tigers should.

We then went on to the aquarium where we saw some crazy fish, lethal sharks and evil eels. It goes without saying that the male Moray eel is the most evil thing I've ever seen under water. Upon exiting the aquarium we noticed a sign saying "Photo with Tiger" which was what we'd been waiting for. We went through to the enclosure where 3 tiger cubs and a leopard cub were playing. What we didn't expect was one of the Tiger cubs to jump out of the cage and start wandering about. It was quickly followed by the leopard, and, before long, they were roughhousing right next to Bren and I, with the Tiger taking a playful swipe at my foot! Amazing! The main event, however, was the big bastard Tiger in the main cage. I was lead up to it, told to essentially cuddle it and smile. Tigers, in reality, are absolutely huge, with it's front paws being about the same size as my hands! It was around 3 metres from tail tip to nose, but somehow managed to find the time to keep it's coat silky soft... An awesome experience and a priceless photo (well, 100 Baht anyway...)





We then went to see the agro tiger, the one that kept roaring at the trainer during the show. It was pacing up and down, growling and looking menacing, when Bren and I looked away for a split second. Quick as a flash it leapt at the fence between us, huge paw outstretched, teeth laden mouth open wide, and let out a huge roar. Suffice it to say a significant amount of adrenalin was released and we left a few minutes later, in awe of these magnificent creatures.

Am officially the happiest man alive now, as i've managed to find a bar showing MotoGP at 5:30, right next to our hotel. Watching that then preparing to head for the mainland, probably going to be in Bangkok within the next few days then on to Ayathaya, a world heritage site which is supposed to be amazing!

Take care now, and remember, don't play with Tigers...

Will HOPEFULLY be able to watch MotoGP tomorrow, but am feeling a little bit nervous about where I can watch it, as there's a football game on tomorrow at around the same time. I HAVE to see this race, absolutely have to, so if anyone has any suggestions, feel free to voice them!

Come on Tino!!

Same old same old. Had a meal, then went back to our hotel room, this time in the company of our good friend Pierre Smirnoff as a cost cutting measure (believe it or not, Bren, the vodka-fiend had no idea his first name was Pierre...). Bren and I watched TV and then had a really great chat, followed by inebriation and dancing in the various bars and clubs here. Bren then went to the loo as I ordered the drinks (like we needed them!) came back, went to sit down and managed to miss the bar stool completely, ending up on the floor for quite some time, twiddling his thumbs for effect. The American girl sitting next to him and I absolutely wet ourselves with laughter.

Got another dance encouragement circle going, with practically everyone in the place looking at Bren and I strutting our stuff. Quite strange actually, felt like some kind of circus act! Anyway, we ended the night at Burger king, as you do, and then went back home at around 3, with me gently drifting off to sleep. Then *SMASH* from the bathroom. I rushed in to see a bewildered Bren and a smashed mirror all over the floor. Apparently he was resting his face on it...

Anyway, got up today at about 11 and realised we were both tired of this lazing around nonsense. Well, Bren realised anyway, I'd known that since Yogyakarta in Indonesia. We're now leaving Thailand within the next few days, as, In Bren's words "All we do is go out and try to avoid Thai women" so it's up and over to Laos, then to the North of Vietnam and down to Cambodia. Should be home before the end of May as there's little point in lazing about in a country when the people you're trying to avoid are it's inhabitants...

Crazy eh? My new slogan for Thailand is this: "If she's shoulder height, then she's alright. If it's eye to eye, then she's a guy..." Happy hunting!

Interestingly, the keyboard I'm typing on has no less than seven buttons simply saying the word "Turbo". Ironic, really, as this is without a doubt the slowest PC I've ever had the misfortune of using. To ice the cake, it also has an absolutely terrifying picture of some kind of demon-child as its desktop, which is wierding me out to no end.

Last night was spent in an Italian restaurant, as all the Thai ones were closed, then in a bar watching a motorsport crash video. We called it a night early and went to bed, rising at 11 (oops) and going for brekkie, then on to buy some cheap but funky t-shirts to combat my t-shirt deficit (managed to get 3 stolen in NZ from my washing, the bastards!) and to buy Bren some sunglasses to replace the ones that got smashed int he water wars. Sadly, we then managed to bump into Sasi's sister, the girl from Hat Yai (my stalker). We now have to move, no question, as the prospect of spending the next few days with them is the worst thing I can possibly imagine.

It's a shame as I really like living above a cabaret bar, it almost sounds like the plot of a sitcom. The parade of cabaret dancer out on the street as we left was the funniest thing, I've never seen more feathers in my life, not even on the chicken farm next to my sisters school!

We left at midday to head towards Kho Samui, ending up at Surat Thanin, which sadly didn't have any ferries going over until tomorrow. The drive up there was really cool, driving through Khao Sok National park, looking out the window to see lush jungle and dramatic hills, with sheer sandstone cliffs providing brilliant white focal points. I've not seen scenery like this since New Zealand and was really quite surprised!

It was when it got dark, however, that things became brilliant. Out of nowhere the driver turned on the running lights, which were iridescent blue strips and randomly coloured disco lights!



So, we covered the rest of the distance to the strainings of Karaoke classics, unsure whether we should be dancing or not. Splendid work!

We managed to find our hotel, with air con, realised we hadn't eaten for 21 hours and went out for a meal, which turned out to be pizza. Came back, full, and watched American sitcoms until 1, falling into a restful sleep until 11AM. Bliss!

On Kho Samui now, the ferry took just over an hour and a half, have checked into a hotel which, worryingly, is directly above a cabaret club. It's also markedly cheaper than the other places we've stayed, so we're looking out for the catch... Anyway, we're off out tonight, nothing too crazy, just getting the lay of the land, and hopefully out for a big night tomorrow.

Crazy! Thai New year is the 13th of April, and is celebrated by having the biggest water fight in the entire world!! We woke up nice and late, about 3 I think, and went to get something to eat. We didn't even make it to the end of the road our hotel is on before we were seriously dripping wet, with Bren's trainers providing a musical squelching accompaniment to the walk. Rather excellently, we found out that the year is 2547. Now the future's not quite how I pictured it, there's less robots and more scooters for a start. Still, I only have to wait another 453 years and I can get myself a girlfriend with one eye and have a robot for a best friend. Can't wait...

Now there are a few standard moves to Thai New years, one is to empty a bucket of FREEZING cold water whilst saying "happy new year" and the other is the slightly less violent "Facial Talc smear" which involves having talc plastered over your cheeks. Now, even this seemingly innocuous act has been modified for more discomfort, with some people adding Tiger Balm to the talc, making your eyes stream like nobodies business! Fortunately, Bren and I had been warned about this by Dale, one of our traveling chums in NZ, and so we swanned about the place wearing our sunglasses and were largely unaffected. My favourite part of the morning was having a girl come up to me with freezing water-filled bucket, performing a spinning move to get round her, and her then electing to dump the contents of the bucket over Bren instead. Fancy-footwork demonstrations available at a price for those interested...

Anyway, we met up with Sa and Nee at their bar, and decided that we needed guns. Lots of guns. Before long, Bren and Nee went off to get some and came back with a brilliant super-soaker style rifle thing, which I immediately fell in love with. Payback time...

Now, there are a few tactics for this sort of thing. 1 is to get the coldest water you can, 2 is to go for the face, or, in the unlikely event that the victim is wearing light coloured trousers and isn't already sopping, go for the groin for that "I've peed myself" look. I used this to excellent effect when we were attacked by two middle aged English guys at a bar. I turned, shouting "Go for the groin!, go for the groin!" and absolutely soaked him in the groin from about 5 metres, causing his mate to crease up with laughter. That'll learn ya! It was a slightly shocking variant on this that really concerned Bren and I . Walking past one of the bars, we noticed that there was a congregation of rather tall Thai girls dancing on a podium. It turned out that they were indeed post-op ladyboys, with one of them grabbing Bren in his "special area" and another saying "Cute boy"... Shudder...

We then decided to take a hard-earned break for beers, obviously right next to the main water filling station... One guy had the main water supply for the entire road, I think it was a fire hydrant, and was filling up vast blue water butts, periodically turning the hose on anyone getting a bit feisty. It was about this time that I got a bit cocky. I'd recently discovered that the most effective head-shot is directly into the ear, and had become freakishly accurate at revenge ear-soakings. Convinced that I could shoot the girl holding the bucket in the ear and then hide the fact that I'd done it by looking away, I shot, hit, looked away, then back, to see her looking directly at me. At this point, Bren also looked at me, as I produced a slow-motion "Noooooo!" in an action- film style, before being hit in the face by a tidal wave of, fortunately warm, water.



From this point it was open season, with me shooting everyone who's ear pointed in my general direction, and, despite being outgunned, I held my own. This wasn't the case earlier though, when I left Bren at the bar, took the water gun, and came back about 30 seconds later soaked, simply saying "I was outgunned.." to a Brendan shaking with laughter...



Bren and I and the girls then went our separate ways, to get some shuteye, go on the internet, and agreed to meet up later on for dinner. Bren and I changed, convinced that there was surely no water left in the entire town, and headed off into the night, walking to Nee's place first to pick her up. Bren and Nee ended up getting a moped taxi into town while I walked, which was possibly the funniest thing I've seen since we left. Bren on a moped with Nee riding side-saddle behind him. Three adults, one moped. It shouldn't work!! I walked, not really trusting the suspension to take us all, and met up with them, ordered food, which was OK (nothing like the shrimps from last night...). Sa turned up, ate and then we all retired to bed, absolutely knackered. Nee has started coughing quite badly now, leading Bren to comment that he's looking forward to contracting "Super Thai Flu". It's only a matter of time...

Happy new year! Last night was absolutely crazy. After getting only a little bit wet (comparatively, more on that later...)



Bren and I arrived at the pool hall, after having eaten again at the cute little Italian restaurant we're so fond of. I actually managed to have king prawns in some kind of heaven sauce, which was amazing but had to snaffle some of Bren's pizza to stave off the hunger during the wait. Cheers Bren! Anyway, we pretty much stayed at the pool hall, getting increasingly friendly with the charming (and very pretty) Nee and Saa (phonetic, no idea how to spell their names...) who racked up our balls (!) and got our drinks all night. My favourite moment was when Saa asked outright whether Bren and I were gay or not.. Once she'd found out we weren't, they both became altogether more friendly.. Somehow, and I'm not sure how, despite me actually playing REALLY well in some of the games, I managed to lose 10 - 0 to Bren, with me managing to have 2 shots and a ball to go in a really easy position, and, instead, lining up the black and sinking it, before practically crying. To make matters worse I then lost to BOTH of the girls...

Needing a bit of a confidence boost, I decided that my skills would best be demonstrated via the medium of hip-heavy dancing, and so, after they closed, the four of us went to the tiger club, drunk and got merry and ended up pairing off. Not before I'd been asked whether I was gay, again, by some harridan at the side of the dance floor "You handsome man, why you no kiss girl? You just dance with boy all night.." Anyway, one thing led to another and Bren ended up staying at Nee's flat, with a couple of roosters for company that kept him up all night... (he was an absolute wreck when he got in) and Saa stayed at "our gaff" Fantastic stuff.

Anyway, will write about today later, it's been one of the best days of the holiday so far. I can't recall having a wetter more satisfying time roaming the streets as I have here... Also, I'm so physically exhausted and tired that it's all I can do to type, let alone ensure sentence structure is up to scratch.

"I so horny...", apparantly.

It's official, bacon is the greatest foodstuff ever created.

I sit here typing, soaked head to foot in what I'm praying is water... You see, it's Thai new year now, and, to celebrate, people line the streets with water cannons, hoses, buckets, tidal wave generaters and what have you, and soak EVERYONE that walks anywhere at any time. We've been the victims of a ute based drive-by today, in which a squad of pretty Thai girls shot Bren straight in the face with a supersoaker, causing him to panic very amusingly. I've just had a bucket of water emptied on me before I came in here, and am feeling pretty damn festive!!

Bren now likes Scrubs, which is brilliant as he'd never seen it before. Sadly I now have another DVD box set to buy. Will it ever end?

Last night was much the same story, getting anywhere required walking, and a walking man requires a soaking, and so we rolled up at bar after bar getting wetter and wetter until we just didn't care any more. It really is great fun, with our motto of "If it's cold it's good" holding true. You see, we established that people would be getting drunk, and, inevitably, one or more of them was going to go to the toilet and fill up their watercannon with something other than water before too long... The band was excellent, again, and the club was great fun, with me becoming almost accustomed to having 2 pairs of hands on me at any given time. The football was also really cool, despite the fact that nobody scored. Pretty much sums our time in Thailand up, come to think of it...

Going to Kho Samui tomorrow for some beach and bar action, then up the Samui archipelago and to Bangkok, where i'll check the money situation and see where to from there. The world, well, South-East Asia, is my oyster!

Here follows Bren's rather amusing account of proceedings...

"My ordeal began when I needed to complete the simple task of going to
the restroom. I should have known I was in for trouble when the girl
dancing on the bar gyrated an inch from my face moments after I had
sat down.The first hurdle I encountered was an extended leg blocking
my path. As I got closer I expected that at any moment the leg would be
removed allowing me to proceed, but on reaching it the only way past
involved a climb. Realising that this was going to be the situation for the
duration I quickly got on with it and climbed over. That negotiated I
continued onward. There were then various shouts of "hey baby", which
I gratiously declined to reply to. Then out of nowhere I was grabbed
loosely by the arm by a girl seated at the bar. My arm came free and her
nails scraped down my skin, I merely smiled, and continued on my
mission praying that she hadn't broken the skin. There were various
other catcalls on the way and the girl at the door of the ladies nearly
followed me into the gents but otherwise I made it. The problem of
course was getting back. I decided I'd fox them by using the cunning
strategy of walking faster. However the first obstacle on my return
prooved too wily for that. My first mistake was to make eye contact with
a rather attractive girl, my second was the assumption that she'd let me
get past. She danced into my way, I smiled and moved to go round her
left, she moved to block, I then moved to her left but she was too good
for me, and had been there waiting for some time. I decided that my
only alternative was going involve some kind of force, so, she was
picked up and moved to one side and I made my escape. There were
others that tried to block my path but their attempts paled in comparison
and were easily ignored. I made it back to find an obviously disturbed
Ray trying not to talk to the bardancer (who incidently was wearing more
makeup than youd find in most good cosmetics stores) who was
threatening to drape herself all over the unconsenting Raymond. He'd
already paid the bill and desperately indicated leaving, at first I thought
he was going to do a full on runner without finishing his drink but we
opted for the relative sanctuary of upstairs.THE END"

Morning all! Ate at a lovely little Italian restaurant in the end, had a calzone, which is one of the most difficult things in the world to eat nicely. Now the time difference between wherever I am and the UK has normally been a problem, but, brilliantly, Football in England on Saturday starts at 9PM here, making it the perfect precursor to going out. Game on! And it was on, Birmingham battering Man U in the first half but getting outclassed in the second. Unfortunately it was slightly marred by the constant sound of Millwaukees 'finest' roaring though slash-cut screamin' eagles. I now officially hate the sound of a Harley on open pipes.

Anyway, at about 11 we headed off to the "Tiger entertainment bar" and instantly knew we were in trouble when about 50 pairs of eyes locked on Bren and I. I shouted for a hard left and we found ourselves at the bar at the front, which, obviously had a Thai lady gyrating on it, with a belt made entirely of the word "LOVE". We ordered 2 beers, as you do when there's two of you, and Bren went off to the loo, having his own little adventure which I'm making him write about...

Anyway, while he was gone, I sat there supping my beer, looked up to find the word LOVE about 6 inches from my face, quickly followed by a ridiculously overly-made-up-face. The makeup shotgun is definitely in effect over here, and I think we all know what setting it's on... From looking around I reckon about 13% of Thailand's GDP is spent on makeup for ladies, and could explain their current economic turmoil.. The only thing I could think of saying at this point was "Erm, I'm trying to watch the football" which seemed to stave off the attack for a few seconds. Before long, however, there was the sight of a gyrating ass encroaching in my peripheral vision, so I paid our bill, waited for Bren to come back, and we amscred upstairs.

The best bit was yet to come though. Whilst wandering down a sideroad that was essentially made of bars, the amount of hassle took on an entirely new intensity. Do you remember the game "Gauntlet" in Gladiators? Well, for those of you that don't, it consists of an enclosed walkway containing 5 angry Gladiators wielding various blocking implements and trying to stop you from getting to the other side. The funniest part was when I'd got past my one, using a soinning move no less, turned round to see Bren having difficulties, and looked up to two more girls in blocking stances. Funny stuff, I just wish I'd had a pugel stick...

After about 10 seperate attacks, all to an internal version of the Gladiators theme tune, with techniques varying from physical restraint, feign fainting and the ever popular "Kiss attack" we made it to the other end. We ended up in one of the bars, in which Bren almost, by complete accident ended up "behind the bike sheds", had a beer, used the toilet, the roof of which, rather excellently was covered in London Call-girl ads and went off in search for somewhere more favourable.

A rather brilliant picture on the wall int he "Two Black sheep" restaurent, Phuket.


The bar we ended up in was actually brilliant, with an excellent live band playing excellent Nirvana, Pink Floyd, Chilli's, stones and Oasis. They really were good! Offered popcorn, bizarrely, drank some more beer and headed off to the Tiger's club, via a hotdog stand. Danced like loons, received an inordinate amount of attention, got vodka and decided to go home in the wee hours when the music took a turn for the German, and the girl Bren had his eye on pulled the most repellent curly-haired sweaty man you've ever seen, he was even wearing a vest! Bren then stayed up watching Jimmy White Vs Cliff Thorburn from the 80's, in which Jimmy was described by John Virgo as a "Talented young player" Time zones eh?...

In Patong now, and WHAT a difference it's made. I'm officially 30% happier than I was yesterday! We boarded the open backed bus in Phuket town and winded our way up the hillside to Patong, where we were dropped of in a fairly useful spot. After a sweaty march checking out hotel prices, we finally found one we could afford, paid up, sat down and chilled out.

After an hour or so basking in the aircon, we headed off to the beach, sunbathed for an hour or so, had a bit of a paddle (my arms are knackered!) and dried off in the scorching sun... Walked back to a chorus of "Hey handsome man!" and "Hello baby's", all falling on deaf ears. It's actually quite dismaying how EVERYTHING is geared towards Thai girls hooking up with westerners. It's something I expected but not quite to this degree. Anyway, off to get some food now, then to try and find a bar where we won't get hassled for five minutes...

"Me no speaka Eeenglish!!"

Well, the Muai Thai boxing was paid for and visited, but not before the place had lost my washing! I was left to ponder the prospect of walking around in the only set of clothes I owned, when, fortunately, they figured out what had gone on. We went to another restaurent, one recommended by the LP, and watched Arsenal Vs Liverpool (sorry Jay) whilst enjoying some amazing food. Whilst enjoying it, however, I noticed a few small black and red things in it, which I decided to eat. MOTHER OF GOD! Which, in reality translated to "Can I have another Sprite please?" They were, as you suspected, chillis.

The Thai boxing was a little bit of a dissapointment, as the first few bouts were essentially kids knocking the hell out of each other.



Now, being a martial arts fan, I wasn't expecting too much in the way of fanciness, so it was no surprise when I discovereed that they essentially have 1 stance and 5 moves. So, when Bren professed a liking for the contender wearing a cape I decided to make it interesting and bet him 20 Baht that the other guy would win.



Unfortunately, he wasn't any good, and I ended up handing over the dough in grudging style... It was a little bit scrappy, apart from one guy who was the most arrogant li'l bastard i've ever seen, but clearly talented. He managed to knock his opponent out by kneeing himn in the stomach repeatedly. Pretty cool! What was FAR from cool was the final match, in which two 5 year olds were pitted against each other, with one kicking the other one straght in the head, causing him to collapse instantly. The crowd thought this was very funny, for some reason, whilst Bren and I decided to walk out. On the way back we got waved at and tooted a lot, and, aspparently, waving back means "Yes, i'd love to pay for sex" and not "Hello, i'm returning your wave"

We ended the night early, electing to spend the rest of our hard earned in Pationg, the beach town. Early rise and hopefully, some boozing tomorrow, as long as Bren's feeling better!

The Tweenies are on in the internet cafe i'm in. At absurd volume. I can't convey how ill equipped I am to deal with that.

On a brighter note, Mefloquine is the poison of choice for dear Bren. On an even brighter note, due to us being exclusively city dweller/not fond of Malaria, Bren and I are staying exclusively in the areas designated as "MALARIA FREE" whilst in Thailand. Big cheers all round, a degree of back patting and maybe a hug or two.

However, if I deign to go to Laos Vietnam etc, I'll need raft of drugs, full-on chemical suit and potentially some kind of automatic weapon to deal with the bugs there. I wonder how being perpetually wreathed in flame would work out from a logistical point of view? It would doubtlessly be effective, but would probably make me slightly less approachable by fellow travellers.

Win some lose some...

God damn connection lost my post. How infuriating! Anyway, the gist of it was something like this: Bren's nausea has now firmly been traced to Doxycycline (and i'm not feeling to hot at the moment either, passing slowly..>) so an alternative source of Malaria proctection is being saought. Either Gin and Tonic or an "all in one" chemical suit are hot favourites at the moment. Slept like a bay last night due to airconditioning and the softest bed in the world. Despite our hotel being quite nice, we still had a cockroach in the room, which Bren and I dealt with using the time honoured flamethrower method. I vidoed Bren in action with the flamethrower and he doesn't mess about!!



Went to a cool restaurent today and had some crazy Italian/Thai fusion cuisine, which was gorgeous, followed by an iced coffee. Sadly, a particularly large piece of ice made it's way up the straw and lodged itself in my Trachea, causing me to pull a desperate"choking" face and to eject it forcefully onto the floor, much to Bren's amusement.

Apart from the near experience, today's been quite the sucess. we found a place that does laundry in 4 hours, an internet cafe and are going to Muai Thai boxing tonight, despite it being more expensive than we'd hoped. When in Thailand...

Off to "Party central" tomorrow, on the beaches of Phuket, which should be good fun, providing Bren manages not to vomit again. Oh yeah, Bren and I got "Wowed" again today, for the first time since Singapore. Perhaps they particulary like Bren's borrowed ankle swingers? Either that or it's my 3 day stubble and unwashed shirt that wows the ladies so. Who can tell?...

It's decided. The best euphamism for sex is "Hopping on the good foot to do the bad thing". In second we have "horizontal jogging" and in joint third are "Rumpy pumpy" and "How's your father?". So there.

"Slap and tickle" is a horrible phrase and has been stricken from my vocabulary.

THAT'S how bored we were on the journey here!

Managed to wake up, if you can class the sweat coated fidget fest that I ended up doing sleeping. Packed, dressed and headed off to the shop. Now, owing to some confusion, possibly generated by the well meaning Sasi, the first bus we could get was at three and not 11. Unperturbed, we wandered round, this time without "Help" and got ourselves on a minibus that left at 12. We ate, said our goodbyes (with 3 minutes left) to "beautiful moon" (what her name means in English, apparently.) Learnt a few words of Thai and sped off, only to wait for another half an hour in the waiting room. This wasn't so bad, but, once we'd been loaded on to the (un airconditioned) minibus we then sat in the sweltering heat for ANOTHER half an hour, before getting going after 1.

The drive itself wasn't too bad, the views were pretty nice, with temples on top of mountains, and armies of rubber trees with taps in them. All very nice, rural Thailand is a really beautiful place. The interesting part was the changeover of buses with 2 hours to go. The driver's brilliant idea was to cram Bren and I in the back, and THEN cram a mother and child in with us. On a 3 person seat. The best bit was when the kid next to me fell asleep, and his left leg started twitching in his sleep, dealing my right leg a pummelling that i'll not soon forget! We spent the next hour in varying degrees of agony, until, mercifully, we stopped for petrol.

Brilliantly, a VCD called "Super dance video" was put on and, promptly, in a hot bus full of children and mothers, in the pitch black, Milky came blaring out with "You're on my mind" I had a brief Fathering instinct to cover the little chap next to me's eyes (despite the pummeling i'd received earlier) as it was quite saucy, but I guess he's got to learn sometime! The next song was "Touch my bum" by the cheeky girls, this time played at full volume. It was more than Bren and i could take, and so we abcolutely pissed ourselves laughing, being periodically stared at by our travelling companions. Needless to say the rest of the journey was "Marvellous" (funniest song ever, and best video!) and we ended up at our hotel (really rather nice) at around ten. Showered, changed and ate in a lovely Italian restaurent (everywhere else was closed, apart from a "cook it yourself" restaurant. No thanks, i'm not in a restarant to cook!)

Internetting now, then uninterrupted sleep. Laundry needs doing so Bren can avoid wearing my ankle swingers again. With trainers... Priceless!

Convalesence. Spent most of the day in bed, with the notable exception of visiting McDonalds for some much needed sustinance! Ordered, went to get some straws and, who shows up? Sasiwimon, the "girl from last night". Interesting exchange of words, and mimed vomiting actiosn directed at a seated and defenceless Bren. Much l;aughter. She joins us for our meal, whihch, upon receiving it, neither Bren or I can eat. Waves of Sprite give way to waves of nausea and Bren and I make our excuses to Sasi and her sister and leave. we weer taken back to their shop (next to McDonalds) and told that we were being driven to a pub later on that day at 9. The rest of the day was spent in bed, then, obviously late, we went to the pub to watch the replay of the football and decided that there was NO WAY we were going to a pub with the pair of them. Now, it's not that sasi's not attractive (she's a babe! She showed us some photos which were actually some kind of modelling portfolio!) or that she's not funny. In fact, she's fairly funny, plenty pretty and takes the piss out of Bren, all factors that endear her to me. But, there's just nothjing there and rather than lead the poor girl on I thought I'd be harsh but fair. We left with half an hour to play, got to the shop, told them we weren't going and went back to watch the football. Somehow we also agreed to visit them next morning before we went. They're trying to meet up with us in Ko Samui...

Got a bite to eat served by a VERY feminine guy (we can tell now...) and returned to our room for a bit of Roach roasting (using a lighter and a deoderant can, really good fun!) and ant flushing, in the non-flushing squat toilet using a bucket. There's now so many ants that Bren was heard to remark "Is everything in this place made of ants?!" Got the least refreshing nights sleep ever due to the oppressive heat (aircon essential!) some guy shouting and the horrendous noise of the traffic.

Welcome to Thailand baby!!

Holy vomiting Brendan Batman! Managed to find a bar showing the Chelsea Arsenal match, which was, due to the time difference, a replay of the first match. Sat, watched it drinking a few beers, when I had the urge to go to the toilet. Surveying the surroundings, as you do, I noticed a chalkboard with various spirits and prices written next to them. I put two and two together and discovered that you could buy ENTIRE BOTTLES of spirits from the bar for under 10 quid! Bren, understandably leapt at the chance, and, before long, we were enjoying Jim Beam and coke for a pittance.



We agreed to save half the bottle for tomorrow, and so, at the third-gone stage, Bren decided that he wasn't drunk enough, and decided we were going to finish it. We then managed to befriend a trio of pretty Thai girls and a Dutch couple, which was nice as we hadn't spoken to any people at length for a rather long time. It was at this stage that Bren became a little listless, and, accompanied by our new drinking friends, we headed off to another bar (the one we'd eaten in earlier).

"Your friend, he has had too much to drink!" Bren immediately headed for the toilet and wasn't seen outside for a long time. One of the girls and I checked up on him every now and then, to a thumbs up from a triumphant Bren.



Eventually we got him up, splashed his face with water, much to his annoyance, and he and I headed off home.

Rather, he lurched in a seemingly random direction, which turned out to be the right one (the mans sense of direction is amazing!) And eventually ended up back at the room, where I photographed a water covered Bren in a very bad way. Blackmail potential 9, at least!



I'm on a promise to email one of the girls, whose name I still can't pronounce. Actually, I'm supposed to call her, but I'm absolutely terrified/not convinced a conversation could take place, so i'll choose discretion as the better part of valour and email instead. Going to the same bar tonight,for exactly the same reason. I actually managed to befriend the manager (Millar the Mingleoid, you'd have been proud!) so drinks should be plentiful. I now know the score between Chelsea and Arsenal, but I'm sure it's going to be a good game nonetheless.

Next stop Phuket, now to wake Bren up...

We're in trouble... Within seconds of arriving in Thailand I'd seen ten or more stupidly hot Thai girls. It took a lot of courage to admit that to Bren, as Im not sure whether they were all women, or had been women or generally what was going on. I made the comment that i'd "Never been more worried in my entire life" And it's true.

We ended up getting a cab from Malaysia to Thailand as the minibus we were meant to be getting into broke down. Fortunately the owner paid for us to get into a cab at her own expense and all was ok. It involved full load of 4 of us, which became a little much on the ol' legs and ass after a while, but we managed itinthe end! Thanks deary, you're a star!

Once in Thailand, the first bit of literature we received was for "sexy stars" night, in which girls had been "imported from Penhouse magazine" Sounded interesting... The room we're staying in is quite interesting too, with a squat toilet and charming ant infestation, it really is quite the experience! It took a bit of convincing for Bren not to get aircon, as he seems to suffer with the heat a bit more than me, but we SHOULD be ok in our little fan room. Things have calmed down a bit in Hat Mai, it's a fairly big town but fairly bereft of strip joints and the like, so we should be able to get a good honest pint and watch the football. At 3AM... Up for a big night tonight, but I don't know whether ther'll be anywhere to go for a boogie, or whether there'll be a live band murdering song after song...

I MAY have bought more DVD's.. We spent quite a lot of the day searching for a cinema, upon finding one we were dismayed to find that Starsky and Hutch wasn't on until the 22nd of April. Obviously we then surveyed the mall and found a DVD knockoff shop with perfect copies of Kill Bill Vol 1, Last Samurai, Runaway Jury and various other "must own" films. Which I now own...

After a long-ass walk into the so-called "Party district", we found nothing but Japanese karaoke bars, much to our dismay. We decided for once not to muck about and got straight into the first cab we could find. Bren, being a straight talking kind of guy said
"Can you take us to Slippery Senoritas please." The cabbie dutifully went on his way and listed 3 hotels. One had a bar, he said but the other ones didn't. "What can we do there then" I asked, innocently. "Oh, you can see the ladies, see which ones you like and then take them somewhere else."

This is when it dawned on us that he thought we wanted SOME "Slippery Senoritas", the slipperier the better, apparently. We put him straight after a lot of stifled laughter and managed to convince him to take us to a disco/pub. Upon announcing this he said, with disbelief "But all you can do there is dance!" Still with the Senoritas then, eh mate?..




We paid our money, took our choices and spent the next three hours and the best part of our money in Slippery Senoritas, being stared at practically all the time by someone or other. The bar staff there are really good, with bottles and shakers moving and shaking all over the place. If that wasn't enough, they (poorly) pour your drinks for you, and, occasionally offer up the odd high five for good measure.

Most embarassing moment was when the whole bar sang happy birthday to one of the girls in there. Bren foolishly made eye contact and promptly got stared at intently for a rather uncomfortably long time...

We walked back in time for our ridiculous 2AM curfew after making sure that there was no dancing to be done (the Malaysians aren't a very dancey people it would seem) and got back into the airconditioned luxury of our room. Incidentally, the aircon remote control has a button on it that simply says "Powerful" which I duly pressed. It really is quite powerful! Anyway, Bren and I showered and then enjoyed a full half an hour of rolling insults before getting to bed at around 3.

"You're a waste of everyones time and effort.."

YOU'RE a waste of oxygen.."

How we laughed...

Got the ferry back to the mainland, and are now waiting for our 4PM minibus to leave for Hat Mai in Thailand. Just missed the 1PM minibus, and the coach became fully booked as we dillied and dallied. Still not quite sure who to trust in this place, but the guy who approached us was actually shoting straight. He even showed us to the bus that went to KFC! Oh well, at least I get to blog, you know how I get when I don't get to blog, don't you...?

Dude looks like a lady....

Pangkor did much to recharge our batteries, with Bren and I waking up at about mid day. Breakfast was hearty and cheap, and followed by a quick cab ride to the "Jeti" to get back on the mainland. You see, while it was rather lovely, there was absolutely nothing to do aside from Jungle walks, and I'm sure we'll do more than our fair share through Laos and Cambodia.. The saving grace of Pangkor was the 20 monkey sendoff we got on the way out. Monkeys lined the street in some kind of parade appreciation squad as we sped past in our Pink minibus... And, in case you were wondering, they're all pink. No idea why!



Once on dry land, Bren and I had a little over 2 hours to wait for the coach to Butterworth, the port where the ferry leaves for Penang, our destination for the night. To pass the time we played charades for two hours straight, with Bren coming up with some absolutely hilarious actions for "Troy" and "Peter pan", the latter of which involved imitating Peter Farnes's trademark girlish run. Absolutely brilliant! The coach journey was quite uneventful, I read BIKE, AGAIN I've pretty much got it memorised now. We got to the ferry terminal, boarded, and, for 60 sen (9 pence) were taken over to Penang. We got to our hostel, which was really clean and has air con, but, on the way, Bren saw football on, Milwall Vs Sunderland, and so our venue for the next 90 minutes was decided. Rather brilliantly the owner of the bar was a Nottingham forest supporter, which is pretty random! Now, Bren has a bit of a vested interest in Milwall as he's a shareholder so, when they managed to win 1-0 he sat there in disbelief, repeating "I can't believe Milwall are in Europe!" After a trip back to the hostel to change, at which we were informed that there was a 2AM curfew (it was 11PM at this point!) we returned to the bar to watch Liverpool Blackburn, saw the first half and the three goals, then went to go to a club.

The cabbie decided to try and charge us too much so we decided to walk it. On the way we walked past a number of low-voiced "ladies" looking for love, and happened upon a rickshaw rider who took us to a club called, inappropriately, "Club Rock" which specialised in pumping out environmentally damaging levels of Industrial strength Techno. A Germans' delight it was, but our scene it certainly was not. He then took us to a trendy/cool bar called "Slippery Senoritas" which was for "Our kind of people" Unsurprisingly we were the only 2 westerners in there. We enjoyed a few beers, a few leers and left after the band returned for their fourth and final set. I've never heard "Crazy in love" sound so unappealing. Where was the video?!

We've spent today posting postcards, eating spicy "Non spicy" Indian food and, now, in an internet cafe. We're going to search for a hostel without such a draconian night-time policy, and then hit the bars in fine style. I just hope they're ready for Bren's spin moves...

We left KL behind in a cloud of so much unburnt diesel and headed off to the lovely island of Pangkor. Rain pretty much washed the coach clean throughout the journey, but only the front left corner of the coach sprung a leak. Poor timing means that we're here on a public holiday. On a Saturday. And, apparantly, tomorrow which is Sunday, ISN'T a public holiday. The mind boggles!

Got here just in time for the sunset, which was pretty, and pulled up to our hostel. Checked in, watched Man United v Arsenal and then ate the most needed meal of the last few weeks. Ravenous isn't the word!

Nothing much to do here now the sun's gone down. Islamic sensibilities mean little or no booze for boozy westerners. Heading off to Penang tomorrow, probably for couple of days, then into good old Malarial Thailand. Looking forward to a new country, islands with booze and possible side effects from Malerone. It's meant to be pretty good on the ol' side effects, but you never do know.

Ended up playing pool, half watching Mary Poppins (very confusing) and then watching a dodgy DVD of The Return of the King with a lovely Canadian girl called Tanya (Bren aborted about 30 minutes in). Had a few beers finally getting to bed at about 1. Woke up this morning pretty early, went downstairs, wrote postcard, read magazine, planned next few days in Malaysia and chatted with Tanya for a bit longer.

I need to go to at least SOME of the countries in Europe as it's getting quite embarassing talking to people about my own continent from the point of view of an outsider. I've no idea aboot (sic) any of it!

Saw "50 first dates" which was pretty funny and more than a little heartwarming. Finally went up the Petronas towers today, driven there by a cabbie with too many thumbs and too little English. Pretty good view from the sky walkway (the two-story tunnel that links the towers together, made famous by Ms Zeta Jones and Mr Connery!) but, rather disappointingly, they don't let you go to the top!!



Have got tickets for the Kuala Lumpur tower for after sundown, which should let us see the towers in their full glory. Finally caved and bought a bike magazine today, reading it cover to cover in a couple of hours. I needed my fix, and promises of reviews of the new GSXR750, R1, Fireblade and ZX10R were too much to resist! Plans for drunkenness and then sleep and early departure to the Highlands are afoot, then on to the island of Penang.

Should be great, as soon as it stops raining!

Oh my mama! Pretty hot here! Managed to get to STA travel only to be told that we have to contact our office in England to change our dates. On closer inspection, it actually SAYS that ON THE POLICY ITSELF. I see.

More KFC, same bars as before and, this time, an early night. Tigers and pool are the themes of this city, with the Tigers being of the "easier to deal with" liquid variety. Bren and I have conspired and it seems that we are to stay in fewer places for longer periods if we're to actually have meaningful conversations with people. Being thousands of miles form home and watching films at the cinema also aren't two thing that should go together, so we must go to more interesting places! Anyway, we're planning our next few weeks in advance, so we can be in interesting places for longer. Tomorrow is the Petronas towers ascention (tried today but an ENTIRE SCHOOL decided to take all the tickets!!) with accompanying view, and then the KL tower ascention at night so we can see thew Petronas towers a bit better lit up. Saw them again today, but in the day this time. They really do look like someone at Industrial Light & Magic has superimposed them onto the skyline!!

Feel the need for a slurpee coming on but i'll resist! Have just recieved an email from our insurers, pretty quick work! Al is now in hand and we can safely travel for an extra 31 days. Hurrah!